TV ANNOUNCER: It's Knight Time!

With your host Jason Knight!

Keep up with me, boys.

Please welcome the two young stars of Jim and Barbara, it's... Clive Richardson and Sophie Straw.

WOMAN: Hello, Sophie!

We love you Clive!

JASON: Someone's popular.

Clive, honey, let's be honest.

You've got what every man wants.

-The career is going pretty well.

-I am talking about Sophie.

AUDIENCE LAUGH What every man wants?

You make me sound like a Black & Decker power drill.

The accent is real.

-I think I am in love.

-Well, join the queue, mate.

Sophie, come on, what's old Clive got that I haven't?

Bigger car.

Bigger car.

It's not the size that counts.

I'll be the judge of that.

AUDIENCE LAUGH JASON: She's got it.

She's got it.

And I want to catch it.

#ETTA JAMES: Something's Got A Hold On Me AUDIENCE LAUGH All right, cut, stop.

-I've had enough.

-She's had enough.

Cheap shot!

PHOTOGRAPHERS CLAMOUR -CLIVE: Hi!

-Come in.

#FRANCOISE HARDY: Le Temps De L'amour Work was absolutely bloody.

-What's for supper?

-Well, I thought you were buying fish.

I thought you were.

I was flat out.

Well, we were flat out too.

I am sorry.

Were you?

Right.

Well, I know it seems like all we do is lark around.

It certainly looked that way when I saw you all in the club room.

Well, yeah, fair point.

That was very much larking around.

I felt rather left out.

I sometimes wonder if you should be with someone more fun, more like, I don't know, Sophie Straw.

She's not available.

Wow, so now we know.

Well, that couldn't have come out anymore wrong.

I was just stating fact.

It's in all the papers.

-Sophie's with Clive.

-I thought you said she was bright.

HE CHUCKLES Now you see, that's funny.

Well, as it happens, I've been reading Le Rire.

The Joke, I know it.

It's a selection of philosophical essays about comedy.

Yes, I've read it.

It's hilarious.

Perhaps I could come along to the Pipe Smoke studio and see you in action.

We're an arts and culture show.

You're aware there won't be any laughs.

I am cultured.

Try me.

Who are you doing a profile of this week?

Solzhenitsyn.

The ballet dancer?

Dennis, you're... you're...

I am joking.

I am well aware of Russia's most famous dissident.

All right then, it's a date!

I'll have a word with my boss, though he's sometimes a bit funny about guests in the control room.

Vernon Whitfield being funny, this I have to see.

And I am not a guest, I am your husband.

-Shall we just nip out for fish and chips?

-Might be best.

DOOR OPENS SHE GASPS Clive, wake up.

Your mom's here.

-What?

-Your mom.

Your mom is here.

-Your mom!

-Shit, shit.

Shit!

Shit!

Shit, quick!

Quick, hide, hide!

-Where?

-In the cupboard.

I am fucking serious.

My mom will have a heart attack if she sees you.

All right.

Mother, what a lovely surprise.

(PRETENDING TO BE MAN) Well, I found your fuse box, mate.

You need a new circuit for your bracket valve.

Oh, right.

How rude.

Sophie, this is Gladys.

-GLADYS: Morning.

-Wotcha.

She cleans on Tuesday and Fridays.

-GLADYS: I'll leave you to it.

-Thank you, Gladys.

I hate you!

You knew and you didn't say.

Of course, I did.

By the way, my mother grew up with the Mitfords.

She would be shocked if I didn't have someone in bed.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Gosh, is it wrong that I find you rather attractive dressed like this?

Come on, do the voice.

-You're weird.

-Come on, do the voice.

(AS MAN) All right, mate.

I've come to check your sprockets.

Oh, sprockets, hey?

#ETTA JAMES: At Last -BARBARA: Morning, Marjorie.

-You dirty stop-out.

Sausage sarnie alright?

Doesn't he ever feed you?

Breakfast at Clive's is a Bloody Mary with an egg in.

MARJORIE: How very James Bond.

SHE RETCHES THEY LAUGH Right, better get my skates on.

Got a union meeting first thing and they're making us do a fire drill.

They've set up muster points.

I said, "Muster point, what's the point, more like."

If I heard a fire alarm, I'm not waiting to burst into flames in an orderly fashion.

I'm squeezing me arse out the basement window.

Are you sure you don't want a ticket to see the show this week?

Why don't you take your dad?

Put him up in a swanky hotel like you always said.

BARBARA: Maybe I will.

Introduce him to his future son-in-law.

Give over.

Anyway, I am really busy this week.

I've decided to spread my wings a bit.

What?

I booked myself in for yoga class.

So you'll be spreading your wings and your bum cheeks.

MARJORIE: What?

SHE BURPS Oh, God.

Marjorie, that is disgusting.

You have no manners at all.

BARBARA BELCHES That was a good one.

All right, night.

SHE BURPS BARBARA LAUGHS I knew it was coming.

Life appears to be imitating art.

It's good publicity for the show.

The ratings are buoyant.

That's what may be, but now we've got this Mary Whitehouse woman breathing down our neck with her "Clean Up TV" manifesto.

Yes, but does anyone take her seriously?

Just the 500,000 people who signed a petition.

Allow me to read you her appraisal of our output.

"This organization spreads the propaganda of dirt, promiscuity, infidelity and drinking."

And apparently we are also responsible for the moral collapse of the country.

Well done us.

The director general wants all our shows to rein it in.

Jim and Barbara is racy enough without our stars upping the ante off screen.

Yes, well, I am sure Jim and Barbara having the odd off screen cuddle won't bring down the network.

It's none of our business.

It will be your business if any reports of personal misconduct go public.

I am trusting you.

Keep an eye on your stars.

No cohabiting, and please, no more pictures in the press.

Does my wife need to buy a new hat?

I don't know.

Is she going somewhere chilly?

An engagement would be marvelous publicity.

You and Clive are as cute as two kitties in a basket.

You could be the next Peter Sellers and Britt Ekland, hey?

Brian, why do you have their photo on the wall?

You don't even represent them.

Not yet.

Well, there won't be any engagements, Brian, not unless you've got a proposal there from young Prince Charles.

I hear he's quite partial to a bit of comedy.

Nothing royal, but you do have a letter from your old school PE teacher, Miss Linney.

Oh, my God, Miss Linney?

We used to call her Mussolini.

She made us do cross country in our pants.

Oh, God, anyone can track you down when you're on TV.

Never mind the fan mail.

We have news.

-Big news.

You have been-- -Thank you, Patsy.

I'm sorry.

You have been offered a plum role in a Carry On film.

An actual film in cinemas.

-Hollywood, here we come!

-Oh, my God!

I love the Carry On films.

My great friend Gerald Thomas, director, reached out to me personally.

We start shooting as soon as we finish the sitcom.

Shall I do the honors?

So how about this?

Jim's working from home and Barb's gone off to see her mom.

Somewhere up north, but Jim's being a bit cagey about his new secretary.

Barbs jumps to the conclusion, it must be because this new secretary is sex on a stick.

Yes, but just to flag.

Why would Barbara be worried?

Forgive me, but we have an absolute bombshell playing our leading character.

BILL AND TONY SNIGGER -What?

-Nothing, Dennis.

I didn't quite catch that, Dennis.

Did you say lead character?

-Leading female character, I meant.

-No, no, I don't think you did.

I got you, didn't I?

I am only kidding.

I honestly couldn't care less.

Can we finish telling you our fucking great idea?

So Barbara's very worried and jealous.

So she beats a hasty retreat back to the flat.

Planning to surprise Jim and maybe catch him in the act with his new secretary.

Yes, go on, chaps.

I am with you.

-But-- -No, no but, let me guess.

Let me guess.

She marches in and oops a diddly-dandy, the new secretary is a fat Sunday school teacher with a big hairy mole and three-inch specs?

Thanks for assuming we'd write something so deeply ordinary and predicable, Clive.

But, no, Jim's new secretary is a man.

Are men secretaries?

Secretary of state, private secretary, secretary general.

No, no, no, but I mean, usual 'take dictation Miss Jones' type secretary.

Of course, men can be secretaries.

The job doesn't actually require a vagina.

Yes, but sorry to be Sir Lawrence Logic, but surely at some point Jim would say the secretary's name and Barbara would twig it was a man.

-Not necessarily.

-Not necessarily.

Good.

Good.

Just good.

And into the tree pose, wave your branches in the breeze.

Beautiful.

Hold steady.

Clasping that right ankle, pushing the foot back so we go to Dancer Pose.

Reaching forwards.

Lift the foot.

Fuck!

Sorry.

Sorry.

Beautiful.

WOMEN CHATTER Don't do yourself a mischief before you've gone in.

The mischief's already been done.

I am not sure if I've snapped my hamstring or my knicker elastic.

You should've come in with our lot.

So... What... What do you make in a women's workshop then?

Trouble.

Coming to the pub, Sal?

-Yeah.

-See you down there.

You wanna come?

To... Yeah.

Come on.

What are you doing having a bath at half past seven in the morning?

-We haven't got a shower.

-Sorry, I am desperate.

SHE GROANS SHE URINATES Relief.

I must have about a gallon of lager in me.

I didn't think yoga types drank beer.

I couldn't handle yoga.

I went to the pub.

Who with?

MARJORIE: I met some girls at a women's workshop.

Yeah, nice bunch.

Interesting.

-One of them is a plumber.

-BARBARA: Blimey.

Maybe she could take a look at your leaky pipes.

Haven't you finished yet?

Stop looking, you're making me nervous and making it worse.

SHE GROANS How come Clive hasn't asked you to move in, then?

Save you running back here every morning.

We haven't really discussed it.

Dennis says that Ted Sargent wouldn't stand for it.

I suppose it would mean we would have to get married for real.

Why doesn't he just propose then?

Everyone at work keeps asking.

Tell everyone at work to keep their beaks out of my business.

God.

You can't do anything these days without everyone watching us or writing it up in the paper.

We have to be careful.

You need to be careful you don't get stuck with these blokes telling you what to do with life.

Last night, the girls were talking about poor Cynthia Lennon.

Poor?

I don't think so.

MARJORIE: She's got a baby with a Beatle and she's still made to walk ten paces behind him, so he can look sexy and available.

Christ, you're a bit argy-bargy today, Marj.

What was in that beer?

Was it a pint of courage?

No, as women we've gotta stand up for ourselves, Barb, you know?

Not put up with all of their patr... patri-carchal bullshit.

Diane Lewis.

Today with Andrew O'Shea.

So at this point do I know the secretary is in the kitchen?

No, no, he could be anywhere.

Bedroom, bathroom, hiding in a cupboard.

So could I be an electrician?

An electrician come to check his sprockets.

-TONY: Yeah.

-BILL: Yeah, all right.

-DENNIS: All right.

-BILL: Hey, put this on.

Perfect.

-Take it back to the entrance.

-BILL: Oh, yes.

-TONY: Very good.

-CLIVE: So obviously I, Jim, knows it's Barbara from the moment she comes in.

Right, but you don't want her to know you know.

-CLIVE: Why not?

-'Cause that's how we wrote it.

It's a double bluff.

You've got the upper hand.

Okay.

Yes, no, okay.

Good, good.

Thank you.

-All right?

-Right.

So... thanks for coming around.

-It's Charlie, isn't it?

-Yes, sir.

My parents named me after Charlie Chaplin on account of my mustache.

I can see.

It is good, but it's not gonna work.

You have to play with that, it's-- Baby's don't have mustaches.

I was an unusually hairy baby.

Shaving at the age of three.

-DENNIS: All right, very good.

-CLIVE: Okay, so... BILL: Sounds like my mom.

Charlie, me old mucker, can I interest you in a cup of tea?

(AS MAN) Yeah, a cup of Rosie Lee would be lovely.

HE SNORTS -I am sorry, Dennis.

Blame her.

-Sorry.

-If it's no trouble, sir.

-Oh, no, no trouble at all.

My secretary's just put another pot on.

Hilary, another cup of tea, please.

Bill, could you play Hilary for now?

-I can't.

I just... -Go.

I had a great idea.

What if Hilary was a touch light in the loafers?

That would be hilarious.

Yeah, well, we did actually imagine that Hilary was homosexual, Clive, -but not so we could-- -DENNIS: No, no.

TONY: Oh, no, no.

Come on, Dennis, not the dreaded green book!

Handed to me by Ted Sargent.

I am sure he has a drawer full of them.

"Jokes about effeminacy in men are banned."

Yep, right, right, right.

But Hilary is not effeminate.

That's the whole point.

We are trying to present a homosexual character that is not some fucking ridiculous parody.

Den, radio's more cutting-edge than us.

Round the Horne has two blokes speaking Polari.

What's Polari?

You're the one that said that we should be pushing boundaries.

We do need to be pushing boundaries, but I am not convinced that throwing in a coded language for the few that know it is best to give voice to the community we're trying to represent.

Sophie, what would Barbara think?

-About?

-TONY: About Jim's secretary liking men.

About men having sex with other men.

Crikey.

I don't know if I know any men who... -There were rumors about our milkman.

-But would it bother her?

Umm... Well, the show's about modern love, isn't it?

Would be boring if we were all the same.

Each to his own, I say.

CLIVE: Isn't she remarkable?

-BARBARA: Hi.

-Hi.

-Sorry to butt in.

-CLIVE: Hi, Polly.

Can I grab Clive for a fitting?

There's a hilarious joke in there somewhere about butts and fitting.

I thought I might take us all out to the Opposition Club tonight.

-Cool.

-Only if you finish the script, of course.

Dennis.

BARBARA: Diane, what you doing here?

Working.

Doing a piece for Nova Magazine?

Nova's over, baby.

You are looking at the new on air reporter for Today with Andrew O'Shea.

BARBARA SQUEALS -You didn't tell me you were up for that.

-I didn't want to jinx it.

Wow.

-How do you audition for a show like that?

-DIANE: Present a piece to camera.

-BARBARA: Did you write it yourself?

-DIANE: I am a journalist.

-That's the job.

-BARBARA: Oh, my.

Well, come on, let's have a drink.

I've got a bit of good news myself.

What?

I've been offered a role in the next Carry On film.

Hey, great.

What?

Have you not seen the Carry On films I've seen them and they're funny.

It's the girls in them are always a bit... BARBARA: What?

Nubile nurse or frumpy old battleaxe.

They're never the funny doctor or wacky scientist.

Right.

Me and me dad liked them because they're not just all posh people with fancy jobs talking like her off Brief Encounter.

You're right.

And they've probably written you something great.

What part are you playing?

A stripper called Tina Tittley.

#DUSTY SPRINGFIELD: Spooky CLIVE: What exactly does Ted Sargent mean by cohabiting?

TONY: Living in sin.

What about if two people are living together, but not doing it.

-Is that a sin?

-How old are you?

-Would Ted Sargent object to that then?

-Yes.

All right.

How would he even know if Soph and Clive were doing it?

He's hiding in a bush outside Clive's place with his trousers round his ankles.

Can everyone shut up about my sleeping arrangements, please?

So we're saying that Ted Sargent doesn't believe in sex before marriage?

Or during by the looks of it.

APPLAUSE I think I've died and gone to comedy heaven.

Is that actual Peter Cook up there?

You mean that's actual cuddly Dudley there.

Oh, my God.

Do you know them?

He gave some of this lot their first job in radio.

Dennis, does that mean that you're part of the, what's it called, the Oxfam mafia.

-No.

The Oxbridge mafia.

-Yes.

-Does that really exist?

-It does if you're in it.

FRANKIE: Evening, ladies.

Denise, always a pleasure.

DENNIS: Pleasure's all mine, Frankie.

Well, it could be, if you only give it a go, dear.

Anthony, William.

I am ignoring you.

I'm sorry we don't have time to work for you, Frankie.

I hope you will soon find another writer.

And I hope you'll soon get another cock up your arse.

That's unlikely with that hairdo, dear.

He doesn't charper Dilly boys these days, Frankie.

What's that?

Yeah, it's just nothing.

Fuck off.

Yeah!

BILL: Clive bought a round.

Take a picture someone.

No, I didn't wanna wait for you to look old enough to get served at the bar, Bill.

Cooee, who's the dolly?

He's asking who's the pretty face?

Mr. Howerd, I am such a big fan.

Oh, nice to meet you, big fanny, but I was talking about that one.

No, he doesn't plate carts either, ducks.

-He's with the bona palone.

-FRANKIE: Oh, shut up.

DENNIS: This is Sophie Straw.

They're the leads in our sitcom.

Oh, I don't watch other comedy, dear, unless I am nicking material.

Thief of bad gags me.

-Mr. Howerd, I've got a question.

-FRANKIE: Yes, dear.

What is it?

-How did you learn to be funny?

-Oh, you can't teach it, dear.

It takes years of failure, but if you've got it inside, it pops out like carts and quongs from a Trade's kaffies in a cottage.

What does he mean?

Please.

Go on, Dennis, dear.

Well, he says that if it's in you, the comedy will pop out like a... -FRANKIE: That's it.

-...gentleman's... Dick, dear.

-Yes, thank you Frankie.

-Polari.

Darling, do you want to see my wedding dress?

I am going to try it on.

Hey, I thought it was supposed to be unlucky to see the bride in her dress.

Silly, that only applies to the groom.

Yeah.

MAN ON STAGE: Remind me, why we holding this blanket?

That's Eleanor Bron, that's John Fortune.

Yes, they're brilliant at improvising.

You what?

Well, they basically make it up as they go along.

-What, even the lass?

-Well, especially the lass.

AUDIENCE LAUGH Well, it's all for the best.

All for the best man, actually.

AUDIENCE LAUGH AND CHEER MAN ON STAGE: After you.

WOMAN ON STAGE: Yes, I know.

You've been after me for years.

AUDIENCE LAUGH DENNIS: Morning.

You had a late one last night.

Well, I promised the team I'd take them out to the Opposition Club.

We all know you're a man of your word.

I completely forgot.

I had it in my diary for tonight.

You completely forgot or you had it in your diary for tonight?

Both.

I think.

Sorry.

Vernon is beginning to think you don't exist.

Well, you can tell him I very much do exist.

Well, as it happens, my profile on Solzhenitsyn was postponed.

Great.

I mean, that's a... that's a shame for you.

Was the whole show canceled?

Actually we brought forward a live interview with Tony Hancock.

He was fascinating about comedy.

You might have enjoyed it.

The Carry On people have been on the phone and they are eager to confirm some dates.

So if you would just sign on the dotted line.

I don't know if I want to do the film, Brian.

Patsy, would you arrange for me to have a hearing test, please.

You heard me.

The script's hilarious.

Sophie Straw, what's got into you?

I just don't think I want everything to be about my knockers.

They don't make me do it on Jim and Barbara.

It would be a step back.

And last night Dennis took us to a comedy club and I saw this girl in a double act making up her own lines.

-Eleanor something.

-PATSY: Eleanor Bron?

She's a completely different thing.

She went to Cambridge.

All I know is that nobody was laughing at her bust.

Maybe I could make up my own lines.

Now look here, young lady, you need to learn to walk before you can run.

Before me, you didn't have a shilling for a cab.

Look, this will not last forever.

My advice to you is to make the best of what you've got while you've got it because God knows there'll soon be another young girl coming up behind you, better, funnier, prettier and bigger.

And she'll be only too happy to fill your kinky boots.

Sophie Straw, come back here.

She's gone completely mad.

Hilary always takes care of me while my wife's away.

Takes care of you, does she?

Yes, my secretary is very... very obliging.

-Obliging.

-Hilary, where are we with that tea?

At which point Hilary enters with the tea.

Oh, Den, how about when I twig it's a fella, I give a little glance direct to camera?

Sorry, Soph, I am afraid that breaks the fourth wall.

The fourth wall is an imaginary wall and if we look into the cameras, then we break it, and we establish we're in a television show.

Frankie Howerd does it and Lucille Ball.

And that first time when I bumped into a camera, I did it and it got a big laugh.

Yes, but is it the wrong sort of laugh?

-BARBARA: Is there a wrong sort of laugh?

-TONY: Good question.

Bill, you might disagree with me, but-- I think we should give it a go.

I'll be the camera.

-Very good.

-I'll be Hilary.

-From?

-So go back from the... -to the first bit of ladder business.

-Great.

Okay.

Cup of tea.

Hilary, where are we with that tea?

Here you are.

I hope you like it strong.

Hilary... meet... my wife.

It takes all sorts to create a modern world.

Any good?

What do you think?

#DEAN MARTIN: Everybody Loves Somebody Sold.

Edith, I am so sorry.

-Peace offering?

-Yes.

Thanks.

Gosh, I can see why they call the show Pipe Smoke.

You haven't started smoking a meerschaum, have you?

I don't suppose you fancy coming to see the show tomorrow night?

Actually feel free to say yes and then not turn up.

That would serve me right.

It's been a long day.

I am going to run a bath.

Wow.

London took such a hit during the war... it's coming up roses now though, isn't it?

Now keep your money in your top pocket, George.

You cannot trust anyone, even the kiddies.

It's a fun piece, but I don't just wanna do the fluffy stuff.

I did a piece on birth control for Nova magazine.

-Okay.

-But I'll build up to that.

It's fine.

I'll use my own.

ANDREW: And now let's meet the newest addition to our team, Diane Lewis.

-Welcome, Diane.

-Thank you, Andrew.

Tell us what you've been up to.

Well, Andrew, I have been out and about on Carnaby Street looking at the latest gear for groovy chicks and guys.

It's hard to tell the difference.

Well, there's a whole new scene they're calling Unisex Fashion.

I am intrigued.

Let's have a look at Diane in action.

You're just what this show needs.

People are gonna love you.

This must be costing you a fortune.

Dad, just enjoy it while I've got it.

We did all right, didn't we, my love?

You and me.

Wait for me.

Stone me.

What?

You look lovely, Aunty Mar.

Thank you.

I wouldn't want Clive to think we were provincial.

CLIVE: Provincial?

Perfection more like.

Mr. Parker.

Clive, how are you?

May I?

-Thank you.

-Hey!

-It's right this way.

-Thank you very much.

I am safe in assuming that nobody here hates champagne?

-Oh, he's much funnier in real life.

-Mario.

Well, try telling that to our writers.

(WHISPERS) I didn't think you'd do better than Aiden, but this one's a keeper.

You know, it is actually rude to whisper, girls.

Unless you're saying something rather nice about me.

BARBARA: We are.

I think we will have... (WHISPERS) I see no prices on the menu.

-Oh, no, please, I've... -Thank you.

...I've taken care of it.

Please.

-Thank you.

-It's all right.

But are you looking forward to seeing the show recording?

Well, I am more worried about how we're going to get back to the hotel afterwards.

We'll get production to organize a car from the after party.

There's an after party?

Barb didn't say.

It might be late, Marie.

On VE day I stayed up dancing until 4:30 in the morning, Clive.

Oh, you are a tear away, Marie.

GEORGE: Will there be famous people there?

-Get to see a Beatle?

-Maybe.

I'd rather have Acker Bilk any day.

Right, well, let's drink to that.

-To Acker Bilk.

-To Acker Bilk.

No, no, we have to sleep.

Show day tomorrow.

I have to go home and change in about four hours.

Soph, Soph, Soph, I've actually been thinking.

It is crazy that you have to rush backwards and forwards every time, so... Sophie Straw, will you do me the honor of moving in with me?

But... but what about Ted Sargent?

Yes, so I don't think there's room for him too.

No, what if he finds out?

I'll get in loads of trouble.

-We're consenting adults.

-It's different for girls.

Sophie.

Come on, what could possibly go wrong?

Well those brown sheets would have to go.

It feels like I am sleeping in an oil slick.

I guess we do know who's in charge here.

SHE GIGGLES You are.

You know that always gets me.

-MAN: Miss Straw.

-How did you get in here?

Can I have an autograph?

Okay.

-Who shall I make it out to?

-Sydney.

She even looks a bit like you.

Sydney Best, reporter with The Sun newspaper.

How does it feel to be the last to know?

#BETTYE SWAN: Tell It Like It Is Hi.

Tea.

POLLY: You know, don't you?

-I thought we were friends, Polly.

-POLLY: We are.

I never would have done it if I thought you were exclusive.

What do you mean?

Clive said it was no big deal.

That you were both into the whole permissive society thing.

We didn't mean to hurt you.

SHE SOBS Soph, we've just got a couple of script changes.

BARBARA SOBS Yeah, come on.

-MAN: Hello.

-Oh, hello.

-Are you guests of Sophie Straw?

-Yes.

-Come with me.

-Is this for the very important people?

-Come with me.

I'll get you to the front.

-Come along, George.

Excuse me.

Norris, at the top of the scene, give me a deep two-shot when Barbara enters.

Den, mate, we got a problem.

She won't answer us.

We could hear her all teary in the dressing room.

Sounded like a wounded animal.

What wounded animal sounds like a fully grown woman crying her eyes out?

A panda, maybe.

Maybe, I don't know.

Oh, hello.

-Thanks.

-Are these the important people seats?

Hi.

All right.

You have a choice, you can stay in here and not do the show.

No, I am "not" not doing the show.

I can't do the show, Dennis.

DENNIS: You love being in front of an audience.

-They love you.

-I know what you're trying to do, Dennis.

There is no way I am gonna stand in front of that audience and act like I am in love with Clive Richardson when right now all I wanna do is wring his neck.

You don't have to be in love with Clive.

You have to be in love with Jim.

When Lucille Ball found out that Desi Arnaz was playing away, she fought back.

She became the first woman to run a major television studio.

Oh, yeah, 'cause I can do that with my wages.

Success is the sweetest revenge.

The point is, you can fight back.

By going out there and being funny.

And Barbara isn't very happy about it.

She told Jim that she's away at her mother's up north, but really, wink, wink, she's come around to spy on Jim who she thinks is having an affair with his secretary.

AUDIENCE OOH Anybody here been a secretary?

Oh, yes, madam, what is your short hand like?

-Not as big as my long hand.

-WARM UP: Not as big as your long hand.

AUDIENCE LAUGH Now then, are we ready?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

PRODUCER: Now we're rolling in five, four...

KNOCK AT DOOR -Thanks for coming.

Charlie, isn't it?

-That's right, sir.

Named after Charlie Chaplin on account of my mustache.

CLIVE: I am sorry, how does that work exactly?

(AS MAN) I was an unusually hairy baby.

Shaving since the age of three.

CLIVE: Well, Charlie, me old mucker, can I interest you in a cup of tea?

BARBARA (AS MAN): I could kill a cup of Rosie Lee if it's no trouble.

CLIVE: Oh, no trouble at all.

My secretary has just made a pot.

-BARBARA (AS MAN): Secretary, is it?

-Hilary, another cup of tea, please.

(AS MAN) Hilary, is it?

Oh, yes, Hilary always takes care of me while my wife's away.

My secretary is very obliging.

(AS MAN) Obliging.

I bet she's been obliging you all over the place.

At work, in your office, or here, at home.

On your snazzy blooming sofa.

AUDIENCE LAUGH CLIVE: Hilary, where is that tea?

PRODUCER: Shot 62.

Camera four.

Here we are.

You like it strong?

AUDIENCE LAUGH CLIVE: Hilary, meet... my wife.

-HILARY: Your wife?

-Wotcha.

Each to his own, I say.

HE GRUNTS AUDIENCE LAUGHS Well, Hilary, it takes all sorts to make a modern world.

Yeah!

DENNIS: Good work, studio.

-BILL: Great.

Well done, Den.

-TONY: Yeah, well done, Den.

Congratulations, darling.

I am proud of you.

I mean, a bit near the knuckle for me, but it was very professional.

GEORGE: Well done, Bubble.

Right.

Well done, everyone.

Excellent show.

Drinks in the club bar, everyone.

-She'll come and find us.

-Yeah.

-What the hell was that?

-Couldn't you keep it in your trousers?

What are even you talking about?

You know damn well what I am on about.

You and Polly.

CLIVE: Me and Polly, oh, my, what?

Can Sound turn off the microphones?

-Sound, where are you?

-BARBARA: Don't make it worse, arsehole.

-I've seen photographs.

-CLIVE: I don't know what you've seen.

-Is this part of the show?

-I don't know.

-It wasn't me.

-I'd recognize that body part anywhere.

CLIVE: Did we ever say that we're actually exclusive?

Soph, it's the '60s.

Everyone's screwing around.

BARBARA: I am not.

The only person I am screwing is you.

-You even asked me to move in with you.

-CLIVE: Yeah, and I meant it.

-Then why are you such a... -Such a what?

Go on.

-Such a... -What?

-Go on, say it.

-Oh, dear God, please don't.

-CLIVE: Go on.

-Such a lying, cheating cunt.

THEY GASP CLIVE: Wow.