VOICEOVER (VO): The nation's favorite celebrities... Oh, that is good.

VO: ..paired up with an expert...

I like that.

VO: ..and a classic car.

Feeling confident?

Er... VO: Their mission?

To scour Britain for antiques.

(GLASS SMASHES) Look at you.

You're really good!

VO: The aim - to make the biggest profit at auction.

(GASPS) Is it a find?

VO: But it's no easy ride.

XAND VAN TULLEKEN: Hey, come on!

VO: Who will find a hidden gem?

(MIMICS DUCK) Take me with you.

VO: Take the biggest risk?

Have you got a tow truck?

VO: Will anybody follow expert advice?

I might have bought rubbish.

Who knows?

VO: There will be worthy winners... Yay!

Whoo!

VO: ..and valiant losers.

Come on.

Someone else!

Someone!

VO: Put your pedal to the metal!

Aah!

VO: This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah!

Today, we're exploring the Garden of England with two funny women.

KERRY (KG): It's lovely round here.

JO (JB): It is absolutely beautiful.

But it's a shame the hedges are so high you can't see a bleeding thing.

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: Yes, that's Jo Brand in the passenger seat with her comedy circuit pal, Kerry Godliman, by her side.

Are you competitive?

I like to think I'm not.

And then this thing happens and I become a monster.

JB: OK. KG: And it takes over, Jo, so I'm just warning you.

Is it going to be like Game of Thrones?

It could get like that, yeah.

VO: But hopefully with a much lower body count - ha!

- and more classic cars.

KG: I always dreamed of having a Triumph Herald.

Yeah, it's funny cuz my mum had a friend called Keith who was horrible and he drove a Herald.

(THEY LAUGH) VO: Jo is a novelist, an actor and a TV presenter... ..as well as one of the UK's top comics.

I don't like Georgian cuz JB: it's too curly and fussy.

KG: Right.

Yeah, you see, I wouldn't know...

I wouldn't know but I'd pretend I did.

KG: Yeah.

JB: Kind of look thoughtful and stroke... what is a little bit of a beard some days.

VO: Kerry is a stand-up and an actor who's starred in all manner of hit dramas, not to mention panel shows on radio and TV.

Do you remember Lovejoy?

I do remember Lovejoy, yes.

I loved Lovejoy.

I'm hoping to, sort of, recreate some of that.

(CHUCKLES) I absolutely loved Lovejoy.

Ian McShane, all rugged and sexy.

Lady Jane... VO: Sounds awfully like their two experts, with more than a bit of showbiz glamor themselves.

CATHERINE (CS): You look very smart.

STEVEN (SM): They're what I call summer diamonds - some are diamonds, some are not.

VO: That's glittering guru Steven Moore from Newcastle and behind the wheel of the safari-style Land Rover Series III, Kent's own Catherine Southon.

You've got Jo Brand.

You're near neighbors, I hear.

Exactly.

I just love her sense of humor so I feel like I'm going to have two days of fun.

Kerry's all over the place.

She's a stand-up, an actor... CS: She's amazing fun, as well.

SM: I know.

A Renaissance woman, I think that makes her.

VO: Brava, brava!

Plus they have £400 each to spend so who knows what they'll come up with?

See, I was thinking I might just get one really massive thing and then go and have a lie-down.

Oh, that's a good idea.

VO: Already thinking outside the box.

What are you hoping your expert will be an expert in?

Well, I'm hoping they're just an expert in something cuz I'm not an expert in anything!

I'm hoping my expert just points at things and goes, "That's worth a shedload of money."

Yeah, yeah.

You know, cuz that'd do me.

VO: That sounds like a lot of expectation to live up to.

And Kerry and Jo's shopping extravaganza kicks off in the village of Chilham... ..at Bagham Barn.

Just here.

Try and hit a pot.

KG: (GIGGLES) VO: Please don't.

OK, are you ready for this?

I feel ready to rummage.

JB: (CHUCKLES) VO: Inside, their experts are already in the mood and, given that this was once an actual barn, there's also plenty of STOCK.

Get it?

JB: Hi, Catherine.

CS: Oh.

Well, hello!

Actually, you're at my baking table.

Looks like it could do some damage but I thought this was rather nice, actually.

Yes, it does.

It looks like a hand-chopper-offer.

JB: I think it's lovely.

CS: Priced at £68.

What are we looking for?

I'd like to find some things that I think would have a quirky sort of appeal.

CS: Right.

JB: And, also, I'm not going to, sort of, go looking at stuff that doesn't appeal to me at all, so there's areas of interest - books, I love books, and rustic stuff.

I think we will find lots of things.

I think our problem will be trying to slim it down.

That's been my problem all my life.

CS: (LAUGHS) JB: Off we go, then.

VO: Already got a plan!

What about the others?

KG: Hello.

SM: Hello!

KG: How are you?

SM: Well, I'm in an antique shop so I'm in my element.

KG: You're happy.

SM: How are you feeling?

KG: I do feel a bit intimidated.

SM: OK. Because there's a lot of stuff, so I don't want to make an idiot of myself.

Tons of stuff here, so you kind of need... You've got to imagine you're like a submarine, under the water, sending out the sonar, and you're looking for interesting color, interesting shape, something that, sort of, speaks to you.

KG: Right.

SM: So something that's just a little bit different to the... All the teacups and saucers.

I do like the teacups and saucers.

I know, but the best one will be a beautiful shape.

It'll be elegant.

You'll know what I mean when you see it.

Seek out something...different.

OK. OK, don't be intimidated.

No.

I will not be intimidated.

You will not be intimidated.

You will find top bargains.

I'm going to channel the Lovejoy... within.

Oh, I don't know about that!

VO: Just when it was going so well!

Now, let's say hello to the antiques.

(GONG CHIMES) (RASPY BLOWING) Very nice.

VO: But what will they spend their cash on?

KG: Oh, I love these old little make-up compacts.

You just think of glamorous ladies all just powdering their nose.

Being all repressed.

VO: She already seems at home.

I can't imagine that you ever had a job in an office, sitting there typing or anything like that.

Well, actually, I used to work for the Civil Service.

I was only 17.

I got chucked out of home when I was 17.

School let me go back to finish my A-levels so I got a job in the Civil Service four days a week.

Well, this, I mean... in my mind, is absolutely fantastic.

It's a very early type of typewriter.

I mean, typewriters when you think of them now, obviously you think of CS: the Qwerty keyboard.

JB: Of course.

This all totally predates that.

This is a Mignon.

JB: It's absolutely incredible.

CS: Isn't it brilliant?

But it's such an early form of typewriter and these are rare.

VO: Index typewriters don't have keyboards but instead select each letter using a pointer and an index.

This one's quite expensive, though - £145.

And when I saw that.... (WHISPERS) ..I thought that was quite cheap.

You thought it was quite cheap?

JB: Yes, I did.

CS: Shall we think about it?

JB: Yes, let's think about that.

CS: Let's think.

VO: Exactly!

It would be a pricey start.

Over to Kerry.

I'm just drawn to it KG: because it's got a button... SM: OK. ..that at the moment does nothing.

The world hasn't blown up.

No, but it's a really good, pleasing button.

Well, take a hold of it.

Have a look at the bottom.

SM: Is there a windy-up thing?

KG: Ah, yes.

Maybe it needs a wind.

KG: Ooh, it's very stiff.

SM: Very good.

Ooh, it's really stiff.

SM: Shall I have a go?

KG: It's not going to play.

I... You know what?

(MUSIC BOX PLAYS) Oh!

SM: I have the magic touch!

Oh, that is...

I love that.

That's mesmerizing.

And what is it?

I mean, it's a music box, but... Yeah, but do you know what it's for?

KG: Aha!

SM: Cigarettes.

KG: Cigarette holder.

I know that cigarettes are less cool than they were in the '50s.

Yes.

I mean, it's kind of got that, kind of... Noel Coward play vibe about it.

KG: Yes!

It's not understated.

VO: It's also £55.

When you're sick of the internet and world events... KG: Just, you know what?

SM: When the crash comes.

It's just calming.

I find it calming.

And you could just put other things in there.

I don't know what.

Spoons!

You've broken it again, haven't you?

So you're not saying no?

I'm not saying no.

No, no, no.

Let's hide that under there.

VO: Just in case.

Jo?

JB: Yep.

CS: Right.

Question.

What are you drawn towards here?

Gosh.

Well, I do like that.

That looks out of place.

I'm so glad that you said that because this is my favorite thing by far.

This is fabulous.

It's beehive-shaped.

Yep.

Like a giant thimble.

Why is the string poking out of it?

JB: Oh, it's to hold string!

CS: String box.

This might be... oh, I don't know, rosewood or something like that, but if you think back to late 19th century, early 20th century... ..every shop would have had something like this, really, on their counter, and I have never, ever seen one in the shape of a beehive.

I love bees.

CS: Do you?

JB: Yes, I'm... CS: Do you keep bees?

JB: I don't, but I know that bees are kind of under threat at the moment, for JB: lots of different reasons.

CS: They are.

I won't say whose fault it is, but, anyway, it might be our government.

It has got a very hefty price tag.

JB: Oh, go for it.

CS: Seriously hefty.

100-and-something?

200?

No.

It is 265.

But it's rare.

It's a really cool thing.

Well, I think the rarity of it... ..is a big feature.

Would you buy that for yourself?

For a fiver, yeah.

CS: (CHUCKLES) JB: No, I'm joking!

VO: Comedians, eh?

They do that.

Anything else grab you?

Ooh!

Hey, I like that.

CS: I love that.

JB: Beautiful, isn't it?

Is it papier-mache?

Give it a tap.

Come in.

(THEY LAUGH) Is it in good condition?

Yes, I mean, it's slightly worn round this bit, but on the whole it's in...

Yes, in very good condition.

Open the lid.

Oh, beautiful color inside.

CS: I think that's absolutely... JB: Oh, hello!

CS: Is there anything in there?

JB: There's a head in there.

VO: She's joking!

I think it might well be Indian.

Early 20th century.

What's on that?

£159?

Yeah.

What do you think?

CS: Bit high.

JB: So shall we do threatening?

Or you can do... What d'you want to do?

Slightly flirty?

I think what would be nice is if we could get that for around £100... JB: OK. CS: ..ish.

CS: Shall we bag that?

JB: Let's bag it.

CS: Right.

Shall we carry on up?

JB: Yep.

VO: Quite a list already!

Meanwhile...

So, color, form, interesting shape.

VO: ..Steven's little seminar continues.

I like that screen.

Color, form, interesting shape.

Yes.

I love those colors.

SM: What do you think it is?

KG: I mean, it looks like a fire cover.

I really like the fabric.

And there's things to pull and push, so why would you pull them out?

Well, it's a fire screen, as you say.

It's actually Georgian.

This is about 1808 but the panels have been redone about 1900, 1910, and they're very much, sort of, in the art-nouveau style.

KG: Yeah.

SM: So you've got the chrysanthemum blossoms and they're these, sort of, whiplash shapes.

So, somebody's had this and they've tarted it up 100 years later.

But the panels move.

You can imagine, you know, some sort of Jane Austen-type scene.

"Ooh, I'm feeling a bit cold in my feet."

SM: So, you'd lift it up there.

KG: Ah!

And you see, you'll get the heat from the fire but it'll protect your delicate lady face.

Georgian ladies didn't like to be seen to be tanned or glowing.

They ought to be nice and pale SM: and interesting... KG: Aha.

..so if they're sitting doing their needlework... KG: Yeah.

SM: ..they could push it down again, you see.

SM: Like so.

KG: That's great.

VO: Mahogany.

Ticket price £55.

SM: Try and find something else.

KG: Yes!

KG: Let's go this way.

SM: OK, right.

(CHUCKLES) VO: Time for a little something Jo's found now.

Right, where's this mirror?

Oh, here it is.

I think it's absolutely lovely because I think it's got a, sort of, a bit of a worn look to it, but I just love the flowers on it.

I just think it's perfect and so sweet.

CS: So sweet.

JB: I know that's not like me.

CS: I was gonna say!

JB: I'm meant to say, "Oh, God, I like gorillas and I like murderers," but, to me, if anything has, like, flowers or fruit on it...

So it's definitely not pretty.

CS: It is beautiful.

JB: It's beautiful.

VO: Well, it is Italian, after all.

It's called barbola.

They're barbola mirrors.

So you've got plaster CS: around the edges... JB: Right.

..which has been applied with all sorts of different fruits, flowers.

The problem is, they're so susceptible to damage, so you always used to get them with bits, sort of, breaking off.

JB: Because they're so delicate?

CS: But they are still rather popular.

Sometimes you just get a little bit of decoration at the top, but that's quite nice in that you've got it round the whole surround.

I might just have a look in it and see what I look like.

CS: Right.

JB: Cuz some mirrors I think, "Oh, yeah, you're not too bad," and other mirrors I think, "Oh, God, Bride of Frankenstein."

JB: Hang on a minute.

CS: Have a look.

What do you look like?

JB: Beautiful!

CS: How much is on that?

JB: Oh, 18 quid.

CS: Oh, I think CS: we should have that.

JB: Do you?

CS: Yeah, I do.

JB: Oh, good-o.

Number one in the bag.

Now, we've seen quite a lot.

We have.

Shall we get it all?

Or can we afford it all?

We're pretty good at this, aren't we?

JB: We're very good at it.

CS: Right.

I'm thinking of stopping comedy JB: and going into this.

CS: I think so.

We need to find some torture materials.

Oh, OK. Let's find some torture materials!

VO: Now they're both joking.

Let's try haggling first - but watch out, Rick, just in case.

JB: Hello!

RICK: Hello.

Now, I've got a proposal for you.

RICK: Nice.

JB: It's not marriage.

RICK: Oh!

JB: Luckily for you.

(THEY CHUCKLE) RICK: So, what have you seen?

Well, let's start from the bottom up.

RICK: OK. JB: The little mirror.

RICK: Mm-hm.

JB: 18.

RICK: Yeah.

JB: We're also very interested in the box, and that, I think, JB: you have at £159.

RICK: Yeah.

We're wondering if you'd be prepared to take anything off that.

VO: Very polite.

I was thinking £35, but Catherine thinks that's a bit mean.

Let's say... £125?

£115 or we cut your hand off with a bread-slicer.

Well, if you put it like that, then £115, yeah.

Will you?

We absolutely love it.

RICK: Yes.

JB: Thank you so much.

Also, the typewriter.

That was 145, so is there any leeway on that?

Bearing in mind I'm quite good at threatening people.

Yeah, let's say 120.

And then, finally, the string box, which is apparently very rare.

RICK: Yes.

JB: And that was... CS: 265.

JB: 265.

How about 50 off?

Should I threaten him a bit more?

Our reputations are at stake here.

Yeah.

Don't think I can go any lower than 210.

Well, that's a bit lower than 215.

What about if I took you out to dinner and promised to be nice for the whole time?

Oh, OK. VO: Kindness pays.

Another tenner off, making it £200.

I've never spent this much on a Road Trip in my life!

VO: With £115 for the papier-mache box and 18 for the mirror... JB: Right, so 333.

RICK: 333.

JB: OK. RICK: Yeah.

JB: Here we go.

VO: ..leaving 67 for the rest of their shopping.

CS: Thanks, Rick!

VO: Preciouses precisely placed.

JB: Oh, my God.

Anyone got a ladder?

Bloody hell!

VO: Now, while Jo gets the lie of the Land Rover... Hey!

VO: ..we'll head back inside.

That is a pleasing bowl.

I like it.

I mean, I'm looking underneath as if I have any knowledge.

It's got an anchor!

It's got a little, pleasing anchor.

VO: They already have a couple of items under consideration, of course.

One more?

Hello.

SM: I've found something.

KG: Ooh.

Do you want to open that top drawer?

Oh.

What does it say?

It's a bronze cauldron... Mm-hm.

..with some... is it Chinese, Mandarin, or...?

The dealer says it's a bronze cauldron.

It's not a cauldron.

Cauldrons are big things you cook things in.

SM: It's a censer.

KG: A what?

SM: A censer.

KG: What's that?

So, that would have been on a Chinese altar, SM: probably in somebody's home.

KG: Right.

And you'd have sand in the censer and little incense cones or joss sticks.

But it isn't a new one.

It has got age to it.

It could be either 100 years old or it could be 400 or 500 years old.

How would we find out?

We'll find out at the auction.

(CHUCKLES) But it's got a nice patina to it.

SM: It looks gold underneath.

KG: Right, yeah.

SM: That's how you tell it's bronze.

KG: And it's a good price?

SM: It's a very good price.

VO: Just £24 buys it.

SM: Come on.

KG: Absolutely.

Shall I bring this?

This just fits in your pocket.

SM: If you don't buy it... KG: You could nick it!

There's a sign there.

Thieves will be prosecuted!

Yeah, we'd better not.

It's not in the spirit of the game.

I think somebody's watching us.

VO: Wonnacott is always watching.

No naughty behavior here!

Ha-ha-ha!

Time to grab the goodies and head over to talk to Rick.

SM: We come bearing gifts.

VO: Or something like that.

We hope there might be a gift to us.

One more thing.

VO: The rule of three.

This... is marked at a shocking £55.

OK. What would be your lowest price on that?

The absolute lowest, I'm afraid, on that, is 45.

KG: I could live with that.

SM: I can live with it.

RICK: OK. SM: Right.

That's a deal.

VO: Which brings us to the dispenser.

That's on, what, at 45, isn't it, as well?

So... £40?

Is that the lowest you can go?

35.

SM: I think 35 is fine.

RICK: OK. VO: Plus 24 equals 104.

SM: Can we call it £100?

RICK: No.

Well, it was worth a try.

OK. Go on, then.

VO: Thanks, Rick.

Making those items 40, 40 and £20.

And with £300 left over it's just a question of carrying it all over to the Herald.

Well done.

SM: That's alright.

Great.

KG: Teamwork.

SM: We're rocking and rolling.

KG: Yeah!

VO: And they're off to their next shop.

KG: Ready?

OK. SM: Yes.

Onwards!

VO: And upwards!

Down there is Team Brand, talking tactics.

Did I go a bit over the top with my haggling technique?

Well, I think when you threatened Rick with the, um, slicing off the hands it was perhaps a little too far, but generally speaking... JB: He didn't mind.

CS: He was up for a laugh!

You were a nurse once upon a time so you would have bandaged him all up anyway.

JB: Well, exactly.

CS: (CHUCKLES) Except I was a mental-health nurse so my bandaging would have been pretty rubbish, to be honest.

And what was the big break in telly?

It was Friday Night Live and I was lucky enough that Ben Elton was a massive supporter of mine.

You must have been pretty frightened at the time.

You know, big step.

I suppose so in some ways, but I'm a very emotionally blunted person.

(CHUCKLES) VO: Jo and Catherine are taking a brief break from shopping on the edge of the North Downs at Ashford.

The birthplace of Sir John Furley, the Victorian humanitarian who was one of the instigators of the first aid movement, helping to create first the British Red Cross and then St John's Ambulance.

Hi.

You must be Rosemary.

I'm so pleased to meet you.

Do come inside and I'll tell you more about him.

Dr Rosemary Cresswell is a historian of health and humanitarianism.

ROSEMARY: John was seen as quite fragile by his parents.

He wanted to be in the military but they were keen for him not to be.

They thought he wasn't robust enough, so instead he went on a tour of Europe and he was also training to be a solicitor, like his father.

JB: Right.

ROSEMARY: But he went out to Denmark and the war between the Confederation of Germany and the Danish, so he got to witness the wounded and think about what should be done, really.

And this is the same time as the Red Cross movement is starting, inspired by a book by Henry Dunant, so it's a really timely moment where people around Europe are thinking about what to do with the wounded in war.

VO: The international agreement guaranteed protection for wounded soldiers and recognized the status of the Red Cross, the neutral medical service which would care for them, and Furley got behind the British version.

So, to some extent, he was a bit of a male counterpart to Florence Nightingale, around about the same time?

Yes, and I think it's important to remember that he becomes part of the Order of St John as well and this is all an opportunity, as the Order is finding its feet, of what to do in terms of humanitarianism.

VO: The Order of St John is a Royal Order of Chivalry with a worldwide mission to prevent and relieve sickness and injury and in 1877, thanks in part to John Furley, it became involved in first aid.

He was appointed director of stores and devised new ways of carrying injured people, like the Ashford Litter, a stretcher with wheels.

Furley's idea is that there should be a kind of peacetime corps that's preparing for war, and also, because there's lots of accidents in Britain at the time, with industries like mining and the railways, then he thinks that people should be practicing, but also offering civilian first aid, so he's inspired to break away from the Red Cross to set up the St John Ambulance Association.

VO: Within a few years, Furley's organization had become firmly established in Britain and beyond.

In fact, before the NHS, St John's was usually the main provider of ambulance services.

CS: Is this his actual house?

Yeah, this is where he grew up.

Oh, there's a plaque on the side.

VO: One of the first - and now the oldest surviving - St John's Ambulance centers is here in Ashford at the Masonic hall.

Today, the Order of St John is present internationally, with at least 40 countries having health care in some way provided by the Order, so it's a real phenomenon, and I think what happened in England in the 1870s, you know, it's... Everybody knows the St John Ambulance, especially now in the 2020s.

VO: Quite a legacy for a reluctant solicitor.

Hm!

Now, let's find out how our other celebrity is getting on.

I'm having a lovely time.

Are you?

SM: Um... KG: No pressure.

(THEY CHUCKLE) Shopping, gossiping... Yeah.

What's not to love?

What's your experience with antiques?

Do you buy anything for yourself?

I do buy a lot of second-hand stuff, but I would never think of them KG: as antiques.

SM: No.

My mum had a stall at Portobello Road when I was a kid.

Well, that's like antiques royalty, dear!

She sold Susie Coopers and Clarice Cliffs and things like that, so we had a lot of that in the house.

KG: My dad is a violin-maker.

SM: Right.

So you'd think I'd be able to spot a Stradivarius, but I probably wouldn't be able to!

"I grew up in a house with Clarice Cliff and Susie Cooper.

"My father restored Stradivarius violins."

Maybe I'm the expert.

You're the expert.

I'm the passenger - literally!

VO: Lordy.

I wonder if Jo knows her chum isn't quite what she seems, because they may well have a few of the things Kerry knows a bit about in Ramsgate... ..one of the UK's most easterly spots... ..at the Petticoat Emporium.

Ah, here they come, look.

No rush!

After all, Kerry does already have three items in the bank - or BOOT!

Ha.

With £300 left to spend...

Does anyone buy clothes?

VO: If it makes a profit!

SM: Kerry?

KG: Yes?

I've found something beautiful for you.

Really?

I think you'd look right classy in that.

Oh, I might renew my vows.

SM: Now, what do you think of these?

KG: What are they?

SM: If you want to be posh you could say veilleuse.

KG: Veilleuse.

SM: Veilleuse.

KG: Meaning?

SM: Well, imagine you were a delicate 19th-century lady of a poor, perhaps choleric constitution.

KG: OK. SM: Your maid would bring some soup or something - you see you put a tealight in the bottom - and then the little teapot SM: gets heated... KG: Ooh!

..and she would pour it into there and feed it to you.

Oh, this is pleasing.

VO: Likewise the prices - £20 and £25.

These are dead cheap.

I mean, these are 1830, 1840.

KG: Really?

SM: Your actual antiques.

OK.

So you definitely think they're worth a punt?

What I can say is they're good things.

They are so cheap.

KG: So there's no risk?

SM: I'd like to say they could make £150 each, but... KG: It's a no-brainer, then.

I mean, shall we go?

Have a look further on?

I did see one other thing.

I don't think it's as good as those.

I tell you what we'll do.

This is another devious trick.

Oh.

No one will ever know.

No.

Our dirty little secret.

(THEY CHUCKLE) VO: Safely behind the veil.

Here we are.

I mean, I thought it was a really big butter dish and it's a cheese dish with a lady in a garden.

Mm-hm.

It's about 1930.

Ivory glaze.

Very typical of the period.

But this is a transfer print.

Lithograph.

How much is it?

£10?

Yeah, £10.

It's your decision.

Well, now you've shown me those, KG: there's no going back.

SM: Hand-painted.

Why don't we browse down here... KG: OK. SM: ..and turn round?

VO: One last look.

There's an awful lot to take in.

Does this show promise?

That is a Georgian chair at the back.

It's about 1720, that chair.

Really?

Wow!

Do you know it's £15?

It's been in the wars but it is 300 years old.

KG: Mm.

Looks pretty good to me.

VO: Why not give it a try?

Pretty solid.

KG: Ish.

SM: Hm.

The sad thing is, cheap as it is, we might not make any money on it, even though it's so old, it's having no environmental impact whatsoever.

It's a completely green chair.

VO: Sounds like their minds are made up.

SM: Might you be Alicia?

(CLINKING) SM: Oh!

DEALER: Yes.

That's me.

SM: Nearly.

DEALER: Oh, nearly.

Yeah.

We found these.

One is 20.

One is 25.

If we take both of them... Yep, I can do 10% on those two.

So is that a hard £4.50 off or could that be £5 off?

Go on, then.

You can do a hard five.

Put the money down.

VO: Leaving them with £260.

KG: Thank you very much.

DEALER: You're welcome.

VO: Just be VERY careful.

I've had a lovely day.

We've got some good stuff.

I learnt some things.

We've managed to keep going forward.

KG: Yeah.

SM: Any regrets?

KG: None.

VO: Oh, good.

And what about the others?

So you and I are quite similar.

Both Kent ladies.

JB: Both Palace fans.

CS: Both Palace fans.

And we've both got very good taste in antiques.

Well I... yes.

VO: And they're both stuck in that tank.

Just drive carefully, dear.

Yes, I will.

I'll do my best.

But how are you finding it, apart from difficult?

Great.

(CHUCKLES) VO: Nice questioning, Catherine.

Ha.

Nighty night.

Next morning, even those viewers in black and white will have spotted a bit of a difference.

So, someone's painted the car a different color overnight?

KG: Mm.

The red car is no more.

JB: Oh.

KG: I broke it.

JB: What broke about it?

Well, I would argue it was broken when I got it, but I don't think I did it any help.

VO: Well, it probably wasn't the sheer weight of objects rolling around in the boot that did it, although Kerry did make four purchases for a total cost of £140...

I'm just drawn to it because it's got a button.

VO: ..leaving her with 260 to spend today.

While Jo went large, acquiring three objects for a grand total of £333... Come in!

(CHUCKLES) VO: ..meaning she has just 67 for today's purchases.

JB: I really enjoyed yesterday.

The things that we chose, I'm really happy with, although a little bit risky - well, a lot risky.

Oh, really?

VO: You'll soon be able to judge for yourself, Kerry, with a quick peek in the boot.

Here we are.

Oh, my word.

What lovely things!

KG: I can see that's a mirror.

JB: Yes.

KG: A hat box?

JB: It's just storage, really.

KG: Oh.

JB: I think it's absolutely... KG: It's lovely.

JB: ..wonderful, isn't it?

That is a... Well, have a guess.

It looks like a kind of... boob.

Yes, although quite a strange... KG: A strange, long boob.

JB: Yeah, absolutely.

JB: What is it?

KG: I don't know.

It's actually a string dispenser.

I could do with one of those.

OK.

I spend a lot of my life untangling string.

Oh, ditto.

Absolutely.

And the thing about it is, Catherine thought it was really, really rare.

KG: Oh!

JB: So that would hopefully JB: increase the value.

KG: Oh!

KG: Was it expensive?

JB: Yeah.

VO: Kerry's turn, now.

You have to guess what my things are.

JB: Well, this... KG: Yep?

JB: Yeah.

KG: It's a food warmer.

The candle goes under there and then you put the soup and the tea in there and it keeps your very small amount of...

But, yeah, who's eating that little soup?

A very ill French person in olden times.

Oh, OK.

They're lovely.

JB: This... KG: Yeah.

Is it a Roman sputum pot?

Look underneath.

JB: Oh, it's Chinese.

KG: Yes.

It's a shrine.

JB: Oh, OK. KG: Yes.

Steven was excited about it.

Well, if Steven was excited... KG: Then I am.

JB: Yes, absolutely.

JB: That's hideous.

KG: How dare you?

Right.

KG: It is... JB: From the shape of it, JB: like, cigarettes.

KG: It's cigare... (MUSIC BOX TINKLES) JB: Oh!

Oh, my word.

It's a really weird thing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm very pleased with that.

You sound like you've taken a bit of a risk with that one.

You've spent a bit of money, whereas we've not really spent much.

JB: We have taken a risk.

KG: Right.

KG: You got some good stuff.

JB: We'll see.

VO: Well, that was all very amicable.

Now, let's get on with the shopping, starting out in Royal Tunbridge Wells... ..the famous spa resort where mighty 18th-century influencer Beau Nash once held sway.

And they now sell antiques in a 19th-century former chapel.

And there goes our 21st-century celebrity... ..with Catherine already hard at work within.

Downlane Hall does have some very nice things.

Although our two have only £67 with which to buy them, remember.

CS: Oh, hello, stranger!

JB: Hiya!

CS: How are you doing?

JB: Yeah, good.

I have been having a little scout, but I think it's going to be a bit of a challenge for us.

With our poverty.

We'll find something.

VO: Of course they will!

Didn't Jo say she's very keen on old books, for a start?

Maybe best to steer clear of the furniture, though.

CS: Jo?

JB: Yeah?

You were a local lady.

You went to school round here, didn't you?

Tunbridge Wells?

I did, yes.

About 200 yards that way.

CS: Oh, really?

JB: Yeah.

Tunbridge Wells Grammar School for Girls!

I thought you might recognize it, cuz it's a local thing.

OK. Has it got the word "Tunbridge" in it?

It's got the word "Tunbridge".

JB: Right.

CS: Tunbridge ware, and it's just souvenir ware that lots of different people were making - these, with little mosaics of different types of wood.

VO: Tunbridge ware is a form of marquetry, deriving from "marqueteur", French for "inlay".

It's very fine, isn't it?

Really finely done.

But it's lots of different types of woods that have all been glued together.

These lot probably date from about 1870s, 1880s.

I think that's the nicest piece.

JB: Which one?

VO: A sewing basket, by the looks of it.

What do you think?

JB: I think that's a bit twee.

CS: How much is that?

Can you just see how much that is?

So... Ooh!

Well, we can't afford it.

CS: No?

JB: No.

135.

Oh.

We could maybe get the handle.

(THEY LAUGH) VO: Sounds desperate.

WHOLE antiques, please!

JB: What about that one?

CS: This pincushion.

JB: That's quite cute.

CS: That's quite sweet.

VO: Whoops!

JB: Oh, dear.

That face.

Yeah.

110.

Oh, Lordy.

VO: Hey, that's my catchphrase.

I don't quite know what to do.

CS: Right, let's carry on.

JB: OK. VO: Yes, do, because other veneered wood mosaics are of course available... ..from Sorrento.

JB: Catherine?

CS: Yes?

JB: Come and have a look at this.

(MUSIC BOX PLAYS) Musical!

And not only that... CS: (GASPS) VO: For you-know-whats.

And they bought a cigarette box.

Theirs is plastic and vile.

CS: (LAUGHS) And ours is wooden and beautiful.

Haven't bought it yet, have you?

JB: No!

CS: I mean, again, CS: it's a bit of tourist ware.

JB: Yeah.

Italian tourist ware.

But nicely made.

Sorrento ware was very popular in the 20th century.

It's usually olivewood and then quite often it's got this veneer, the marquetry, where it's sort of quite decorative.

And I think that's quite a smart thing.

But I'm guessing that's three figures.

It hasn't got a price on it.

That doesn't mean we can name our own price, does it?

Well, no.

Let's go and ask the delightful Mike.

Right.

VO: Delightful Mike at the ready!

JB: Mike?

MIKE: Hello!

Hello, there.

Now, Mike, we love you and we love your shop.

MIKE: Thank you very much.

JB: And we've found this beautiful thing, and we wonder whether you could do us a deal on it.

MIKE: 48.

JB: Well, Mike, I'd like to take you down quite a bit there.

MIKE: Mm-hm.

JB: Just bear in mind, there's quite a heavy truncheon here, Mike, too.

Don't look so worried.

It might not come to that.

Hopefully.

35.

Yeah, we could go to 35.

Mike's a nice man.

Yes, you are a nice man.

JB: 35?

MIKE: 35.

Fantastic!

VO: Well, the maths says 32 left over.

Bye!

I'm sure you're eager to get behind the wheel again, Jo.

Yeah, I can't wait.

VO: So, while they load up and then maneuver the beast towards their next shop... CS: Amazing!

VO: ..we'll head down by the mighty River Medway, towards the town of Gillingham... ..where Kerry and Steven have come to enjoy a historic riverside attraction... SM: Well, this is it.

KG: Yeah, very nice.

VO: ..in the company of Jeremy Clarke.

Welcome to the Strand Leisure Pool.

How lovely.

The lido has been serving the local community for over 125 years... ..and it's now Britain's only remaining riverside saltwater pool.

JEREMY: OK, so here we are, approaching the River Medway.

This is where the river really starts to widen out JEREMY: into its estuary.

KG: Right.

And there'd always been a tradition of open-water swimming in Medway, but the Medway's a treacherous river.

Is it?

You need to be a strong swimmer.

And there used to be races between Rochester and Gillingham JEREMY: through the open river.

KG: Really?

But wherever there were structures built out and the river began to slow down and silt up, the kids used to use the mudbanks and the islands to create paddling pools.

KG: Right.

JEREMY: And a local man called Thomas Cuckow saw this happening, and he decided to invest £1,000 in a swimming facility, a public open-air pool.

Wow!

So he had a series of sluice gates that allowed the pool to fill up when the tide came in.

And he had an arrangement of filtering it through beds of sand to make the water cleaner.

And, of course, he was able, when he needed to change the water, to just let it go back out into the river again.

And is this still the same today?

It is!

Although there is, of course, a modern process of making sure the water is safe and clean, it is essentially still the water from next door, from the River Medway.

VO: Of course, what we see today looks very different from the 1896 version.

The original changing rooms, for example, were disused railway carriages.

But by the 1920s, the Strand had been transformed into something of a resort... ..thanks to the reclamation of the nearby marshland and the addition of several tons of sand to create an artificial beach.

Well, I'm sure there was some novelty value when it was first opened but, as the numbers grew, so people who invested in it as a business put more attractions here, so it was attracting I think something like 80,000 people a year by the time you get to the 1920s and '30s.

The river that you see around the outside, with people using their inflatables, that was built in the 1990s.

Who needs the South of France when you've got this?

It's a picture, isn't it?

SM: Yeah.

JEREMY: Absolute picture.

VO: Today, the Strand is as popular as ever, thanks both to the cost-of-living crisis and our urgent need to save the planet.

But like many of the UK's lidos, it did once fall out of fashion.

It's had ups and downs, because people's tastes change, especially in terms of leisure activities and holidays.

I think during the days of the 1970s and '80s, with cheap package holidays, with people traveling abroad...

Right.

..ordinary people, working people, places like this ended up closed.

But the Strand Lido survived.

Why do you think it did survive?

Well, I think one of the reasons was that it had become a kind of generational part of the community.

KG: Right.

JEREMY: It'd been around for so long that parents and even grandparents could remember coming here as children.

It's a part of the local scene.

And it's just part of life in Medway.

And it's kind of earned the right to be so because it's been here for so long.

VO: Well, there's only one thing remaining for our celebrity to do now - test the water!

Lovely!

(SIGHS) VO: Although her expert seems to be taking his role as seriously as ever.

Put a bit more effort into it.

Goodness me!

VO: And now back to the land... and our other ROVERS, especially Jo, behind the mighty wheel.

Jo, I know you've found the car a bit of a challenge, and I don't blame you, cuz it is a tank.

It's a monster.

But have you enjoyed everything else?

No, I've only enjoyed the car.

(THEY LAUGH) Yes, I have enjoyed everything else.

It's been great.

And it's been good fun.

And I've learned a few things.

Obviously, I've forgotten them...

I'm going to test you.

Oh, OK, fair enough.

Do you know what I've really enjoyed?

Is that you are genuinely interested in the items and you're actually really passionate.

And you want to learn about them.

VO: Hear, hear!

And it's not over yet either, because they have one more shop to visit, in the village of Otford... ..on the North Downs Way... ..at the Otford Antique and Collectors Centre.

CS: This is packed... JB: Is it?

CS: Look at it.

JB: With what, though?

CS: Stuff.

JB: Oh, stuff?

That'll do.

CS: Stuff.

JB: We're after stuff!

VO: She's getting the hang of this!

Of course, the one thing that might well hinder their stuff search is a lack of cash - just £32 left.

So... Oh, no breakages, please, whatever you do!

I think just something really weird.

CS: Weird?

JB: Yeah, just an oddity.

JB: Look at that weird thing.

CS: What is it?

It's a table top lighter.

And it's a lady with... CS: Breasts.

JB: Weird-shaped.

VO: You can do better.

You know we bought a string box... JB: Yeah.

CS: ..and we spent £200?

JB: Yeah.

CS: Well, there's another one in here.

48!

But this is Mauchline Ware.

VO: From Mauchline in Ayrshire.

So this is like a type of tourist ware, again.

Oh, OK. CS: This one is the aquarium in Yarmouth... Well, well!

..so it's nowhere near as old as our one, which is sort of bordering on Regency.

What would you bring back from your holiday?

JB: Sweets.

CS: Sweets?!

VO: Not found their stuff just yet.

Now, are we happy in Herald 2.0?

I have had a lovely day.

I know, I can smell the chlorine!

(THEY LAUGH) So, what was it like?

Oh, it was gorgeous.

We really lucked out with this sort of weather, didn't we?

It was really refreshing.

VO: But it's not all about being cool in the pool.

Kerry also has one more shop to go.

We've got loads of money left.

We could be quite flashy.

We could be, but I think flashy with the cashy if it deserves it.

Yeah, well, it's quite nice to have that option, isn't it?

VO: £260 to spend... ..also in Otford, at the very same shop.

KG: Wow!

SM: Now, just when I thought SM: you were doing so well... KG: Go on.

..rookie mistake.

Did you look in the window?

No.

VO: They're not coming in just yet, by the looks of it.

KG: This?

SM: This.

Ah!

And this is good?

I think it's good.

And it's really old?

It's about 1830, 1840.

KG: Really?

SM: Yeah.

So it's a bagatelle game.

VO: Yep, an indoor table pursuit, which is similar to billiards.

And these are rare?

I've never seen one like that before.

Take it out the window and look at it properly.

I think that could hang on somebody's wall as a piece of art.

KG: Yeah, I could see that on... SM: You know what I mean?

CS: ..a bougie mantlepiece...

Exactly!

That's quirky.

Yeah, that is quirky and not, like, huge, so it could just fit nicely in an alcove.

Yeah, and look.

What's the price?

£45?

I think that's a... KG: That's a goer.

SM: That's a good start.

KG: Great!

Exciting!

SM: Brilliant!

KG: Let's go and put it behind the counter.

VO: Bagatelle bagged.

Any progress elsewhere?

Welcome to my hat emporium!

Oh!

That suits you!

Well, everyone else laughed at me, so...

I think it works.

I like it.

As you can see, I've become... You're dressing up?

..quite disturbed!

(THEY LAUGH) Have you had a fun afternoon?

Yes.

I went swimming and I've been shopping and, you know, mooching about.

KG: I've had a lovely time.

JB: That sounds perfect!

Yeah.

Had a cup of tea and a slice of cake.

I'm going off to find a 1950s wedding.

Ooh!

Cab!

(THEY LAUGH) VO: Now, come on, everybody, as Eddie Cochran once urged.

One last buy.

Pleasing little handbag.

Be really good for self-defense.

It's good, innit?

VO: Excellent!

JB: Oh, hello!

I've found something lovely here.

CS: What, what, what, what?

JB: What do you think of that?

It's a belt buckle.

CS: £22?

That's cheap.

JB: Yes.

CS: Is it silver?

JB: Erm... CS: Brass.

JB: Nice, though, isn't it?

VO: They only have £32 left, remember.

It's very much in the art-nouveau style, but I don't know if it is art nouveau.

Could be later.

I think it's probably, like, '50s, '60s.

CS: But at £22... JB: It's attractive.

Would you wear that?

In each nostril, yeah.

I think £22 is good.

Let's go for it, then.

VO: Time to have a word.

JB: Angie!

ANGIE: Hello!

JB: Hello!

CS: Hi!

ANGIE: Hi.

JB: There's a great song by the Rolling Stones named after you.

I don't know if you know it.

I love that song!

Anyway...

Yes, we'd love to buy this... Yeah, that's pretty, isn't it?

JB: It is pretty.

CS: It's £22, and we haven't got any money, so beggars can't be choosers.

£22.

Is that alright?

Well, it is the ticket price.

JB: Thank you very much.

ANGIE: See you!

VO: That's all their shopping done.

CS: We have antique!

Show the world!

VO: Now, what about Kerry?

(RASPY BLOWING) Ah, there she blows!

Team Godliman already has that bagatelle game reserved, of course.

Steven?

SM: Yes?

KG: Look what I found.

Oh!

Something from your childhood!

Something...

Although... not the real thing.

SM: How do you know?

KG: Well, first off... KG: Nothing here.

SM: Yeah.

And it says "Clarice Cliff style".

I mean, look at the painting quality.

It's really bad.

That's literally paint.

(LAUGHING) What, just emulsion?

Yeah.

And it's a little bit chipped as well.

Yeah.

So I think the answer to that is...?

Oh, definite no.

VO: Visibly relieved.

SM: Have you seen anything else?

KG: I have, actually.

SM: Right, OK. CS: Follow me.

AM: Oh right.

SM: Magical mystery tour.

VO: Here we go.

KG: It's over here.

SM: OK. KG: Based on what you taught me, KG: I know what it is.

SM: What is it?

KG: It's a tea box.

SM: Yes.

KG: And it's got its feet.

SM: Yes.

KG: And it's got tea leaves.

SM: Oh!

Oh, does it?

KG: Yeah.

SM: Mm.

Oh, you can smell tea!

KG: Yeah!

And it's got a tiny little key.

Let's see if it works.

Oh, come on.

This is the most pleasing little key ever.

It works there.

Yeah, brilliant.

So, you could be the lady of the house and keep your tea locked up.

Oh, my God, yes.

VO: Mahogany, 1820 to 1830.

SM: How much is it?

KG: It's not labeled.

Oh, priceless.

It's free!

KG: Shall we ask?

SM: Right!

VO: Over to Angie.

KG: Hello.

ANGIE: Hi!

SM: Hello.

I wanted to ask you about this.

ANGIE: Yes.

It hasn't got a price label on it.

I think it's about £55.

So, it's not expensive.

But we have something else in mind.

Mm.

I think I prefer the... SM: Yeah.

KG: What's it called again?

SM: Bagatelle.

KG: Bagatelle?

SM: Not bag of chips, bagatelle.

Bagatelle.

What's your best price on that, on the bagatelle we put aside?

I think that's got 45 on it, ANGIE: hasn't it?

KG: Yeah.

We could probably do it for 35.

Personally, I think that's a no-brainer.

KG: OK.

I'm happy with that.

Bag of chips it is!

VO: Leaving them with 225.

KG: Oh!

SM: I know.

Are you happy?

KG: I am happy, actually.

SM: Great.

I'm really happy with that.

VO: Well, that's good, because the rest is down to kismet.

We've got five items.

It's all done, it's all finished.

That's it now, we can't do anything.

Any regrets?

None whatsoever, and I'm looking forward to the chance of being able to go, "Woohoo!"

when we win.

I'm confident.

Oh, good.

I'm glad one of us is.

JB: Are you not?

CS: (CHUCKLES) Yes, you are.

Shut up.

VO: Quite.

It's too late for that sort of talk now.

Anything Kerry would've done differently?

I just like textiles, I like fabrics.

I like old fabrics as well.

Because when you think of SM: what's gone into them... KG: Yes!

Especially early woven textiles.... (GEARS GRIND) BOTH: Oh.

SM: Oh, yes.

KG: Can't find it, grind it!

SM: Um... KG: Oh, God!

SM: Can I just say, I'm not pushing.

VO: Even experts have their limits.

Shuteye.

It's auction viewing day and our celebrities can talk of little else.

You've sold at an auction before, haven't you?

Yes, I've sold my, er, JB: mum.

KG: (CHUCKLES) She got a very good price.

You got a good price for your mum?

60 quid, I think it was.

Even if I go to a car-boot sale, I end up buying more than I take.

JB: Yeah.

KG: So I can't trust myself.

Are you looking forward to seeing your antique expert?

I'll be curious to know if he thinks, "Oh, hang on, we didn't make great choices."

I think HE did, but he might have allowed me to buy some junk.

VO: They're not suffering from overconfidence by the sound of it.

Ha!

After making all their purchases all round the county of Kent, they've now traveled towards Leeds.

The one in Kent, that is.

And Leeds Castle, the famous former Norman stronghold, which was once the home of Catherine of Aragon.

And there to meet them is Catherine of Bromley.

(CHUCKLES) Give it some welly, girl!

Pedal to the metal!

VO: Not to mention King Steven.

KG: Woohoo!

(THEY LAUGH) CS: There's our girls!

SM: Hello!

Fancy seeing you here!

VO: Meanwhile, their lots have been dispatched towards St Annes in Lancashire, where, at Gerrards Auction Rooms, they'll be selling in the room, on the net and on the phone.

John Cook is the man with the hammer.

No further interest?

36.

VO: Jo splashed out £390 on her five auction lots.

Interesting item, the storage box.

Early 20th century.

Good chance it could do well.

VO: Kerry spent quite a bit less - just 175 for her five lots.

The bronze Chinese censer, it's a speculative item.

If it's a period piece, it's going to find its money.

It's going to fetch £10 or £10,000.

VO: Well, that really would be something!

How are we feeling back at the fortress?

My motto is lower your expectations, JB: so that's what I've done.

CS: I'm glad.

It's a brilliant motto.

You've been to an auction before.

(THEY CHUCKLE) Well, first up, it's us.

VO: Gizmos at the ready.

We have Jo's biggest buy - the Regency string dispenser.

So, this was a gorgeous bit of treen.

Gorgeous bit of treen and gorgeous price.

SM: Mm.

CS: I've got high hopes for it.

On a very good day, it could make 250.

£20, and two, 22, 24, 26, 28.

JOHN: Any advance on 28?

CS: No!

At 28.

30, 32, 34, 36.

I promise you, I've seen these go for a couple of hundred.

42, 44, 46, 48, 50.

Five, 60.

Five... 70.

Five, 80.

Five... CS: Painful.

JOHN: ..90.

JOHN: Five , 100.

He's got an absolute steal.

At £100, any advance on 100?

At £100.

VO: Oh, dear.

I think the only way is up after that one.

That was a massive gamble that didn't pay off.

Oh, well, I wasn't expecting it to.

CS: Well, I was.

JB: I know.

I'm sorry.

VO: Kerry's turn.

This one used to dispense cigarettes, although it may have other uses.

I tell you what drew me to it is that button.

I just wanted to press it.

CS: You had to press it.

KG: Yes!

I understand that.

Fair enough.

The child in me was like, "Oh, look at... What does that do?"

Any advance on 10?

£10.

JB: I'm liking him more now.

CS: I like him.

No further interest.

£10... CS: That's all square, then, in the disappointing start department.

Aw.

I wanted it to get £14,000.

KG: (CHUCKLES) SM: You know, it was so close!

We'd all be like, "Wahhhhh!"

Look, I realized it was a niche item.

But not that niche.

VO: Well, let's just forget all that and get behind Jo's enamel belt buckle.

I don't think it is art nouveau.

CS: It's not silver.

SM: Right.

CS: It's brass.

SM: OK. CS: But it looks beautiful.

SM: It's pretty.

What makes you think it's not period?

It says "Topshop" on the back.

SM: (LAUGHS) Other brands are available.

65, £70.

Any advance on 70?

I love the fact there's just no expression there at all.

At £70 we'll sell.

All finished, all sure?

VO: Much more like it.

Well done, Jo.

Congratulations.

That's a proper profit.

Not a couple of quid.

JB: No, it's good.

KG: That's good.

CS: See, we're good at this.

It's made up for our sorrow earlier.

Yes, I know.

That sadness.

Not quite.

You're still 30 quid short for your sorrow earlier.

Yeah.

Thanks very much!

VO: Can Kerry do the same?

Her almost-as-inexpensive early-19th-century bagatelle next.

I think it's a charming thing.

I could see it in a bougie house.

As a kind of man cave.

Not in a man cave.

Well, a lady's cave.

£18, 20 I've got.

No!

Any advance on 20?

22.

Any advance on 22?

This needs to make a couple of hundred pounds.

24, 26.... 28.

At 28, 30.

JOHN: Any advance on 30?

CS: No.

At £30, then, we'll sell.

That's wrong.

No further interest.

VO: That leaves Kerry still looking for her first profit.

Some money's been made, yes.

Well, no.

Money's been lost.

You've lost nothing CS: cuz you've spent nothing.

KG: Oh dear.

SM: No.

KG: Yeah, fair enough.

We didn't take that many risks.

SM: They're risky, we're frisky.

CS: (LAUGHS) VO: Ha-ha!

Now for the auctioneer's favorite, Jo's papier-mache storage box.

I think it's probably Persian.

But whatever it is, I think it's a cracking thing.

I really believe in it, but time will tell.

Bids there at 100, 110, 20, 30, 40.

150, 60, 200, 220, 240, 260, 280, 300.

320.

Their interest piqued.

Can I swear?

320.

Blimey.

This is so easy, isn't it?

All finished?

No further interest at £320.

JB: Good Lord!

CS: Yes!

Bravo!

I've changed my mind.

I like that bloke now.

(THEY CHUCKLE) Wow!

It looks like she's quite good at this, actually.

I'm starting up a shop with Kerry now, and it is going to be called JB: Acorn Antiques.

KG: Yep.

And we're mainly gonna sell acorns.

(THEY CHUCKLE) JB: But we will sell very valuable things.

But you'll be the main purchaser and I'll make the macaroons.

VO: Her veilleuse food warmers are next.

We found these behind the most awful wedding dress, didn't we?

Yeah, it was quite something, that wedding dress.

How much was the wedding dress?

SM: We didn't even ask... KG: More than these!

..because these were £20 each.

At £20 for them, who'll give me 20?

£20 for them, who'll give me 20?

At £20, anywhere at 20, surely?

Surely they're worth a bit.

KG: No one wants them.

JOHN: Any advance?

KG: No one wants them, do they?

JOHN: Any further interest?

£20, then, we'll sell.

All out.

We should've taken the '80s wedding dress.

VO: It's not going awfully well for Kerry's crew, is it?

I know this is not in the spirit of the thing, but I'm sorry.

KG: You feel sorry for us?

JB: I do feel sorry for you.

Thank you.

I'll take the pity.

VO: Ha-ha.

Jo's Sorrento music box, a bit like an earlier lot.

You bought plastic, we bought wood.

There's no button but it does play music.

JB: It plays a tune.

KG: Well, then, I'm in.

I think it's lovely.

Was it something Amore or something, or...

I think it might've been Joe Dolce, Shaddap Your Face.

(THEY LAUGH) £20, 22, four, 26, 28, 30.

At £30, any advance on 30?

I'm looking for 32 anywhere.

CS: That'll be nice.

JOHN: £30 now.

32 anywhere?

At £30, all out, all sure at 30?

VO: Well, never mind.

Jo's balance sheet still looks healthy.

I suppose it's good, like, people aren't smoking as much.

We should've thought of that when we bought those things, shouldn't we, really?

VO: Coal fires aren't quite as hot as they used to be either, mind you.

Still, it's a nice thing.

I just like the fabric and the colors and the design.

But I wouldn't know where to put it.

It's not big enough to be a screen that you could use as a screen.

JB: Get changed behind.

KG: Yes.

It'd only cover up your lower portions.

You could do that, or a puppet show.

Bids at £20.

At £20.

Any advance on 20?

At £20, any advance on 20?

At £20, on commission at 20.

No further interest?

VO: Never mind, Kerry.

There's still one last chance to make a profit.

We've not done well.

VO: ..is one way of putting it.

Now for Jo's favorite, her barbola mirror.

So, what attracted you to this mirror?

My face.

(THEY CHUCKLE) Which I could see in it, cuz it was a mirror!

£10 bid.

£10.

Online at 10.

12 now.

12, £12.

A little bit more would be nice.

14 anywhere?

Any advance on 14?

16, at £16... SM: Very close!

CS: Just one more.

At £16.

CS: No.

JOHN: All out, all sure, all finished at 16?

No further interest, £16?

On the saleroom at 16.

VO: Oh, well.

A teeny, tiny loss.

But she's had a good day.

That's not an absolute tragedy, is it?

No, it's not a disaster.

No, we've had worse.

I actually wanted to keep it.

VO: Finally, the little Chinese bronze censer.

Can Steven's find save the day?

I mean, this could honestly go anywhere.

Yeah.

If it doesn't make a profit, I will go back and buy that wedding dress and wear it on TV.

CS: I want that more!

12, 14, 16, 18, 20.

JOHN: £22.

SM: Phew!

22.

At £22.

22, 24, 26.

I'm not wearing the wedding dress, that's all I'm worried about!

At £30.

Any... 32.

At 32, 34.

At £34.

Any ad... 36 now.

At 36.

Any advance on 36?

It's drawing it out.

Any further interest?

38.

At £38.

No further interest at 38?

I think that's unlucky.

It's a profit.

VO: Well said!

They have one at last.

KG: Well, congratulations.

SM: Yeah.

You've made some proper money.

I think you've won, don't you?

VO: I think so.

Kerry began with £400, and, after auction costs, made something of a loss.

So, she now has £321.76.

While Jo, who also started out with £400, made, also after costs, a tidy profit.

So, she wins with £449.52.

That profit goes to Children In Need.

Well done.

KG: I'm happy for you.

JB: Thank you.

Congratulations.

At least we didn't both lose.

Some money was made.

Some money was made, and we bought between us some beautiful things.

VO: Very true.

Bye bye, celebrities!

And just time for one last sally in the Behemoth.

KG: Have you enjoyed it?

Do you know what?

I have enjoyed it.

I mean, a lot of the pleasure of it is being with you.

So, we could've just had a day out.

I know.

We could've gone for a cream tea.

Yes.

And we didn't need to drive a perilous vehicle or buy any antiques.

JB: (CHUCKLES) subtitling@stv.tv