BEEHIVE: Sluts on stage for the opening number!

Get your lazy arses up those stairs.

-On stage.

Come on!

-WOMAN: Coming!

BEEHIVE: Yeah, move it.

Sluts on stage.

Come on.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS SHE YAWNS CROWD LAUGH SHE MIMICS A CHICKEN SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY CROWD LAUGH -WOMAN: I can't believe it.

-DEIRDRE: You're cracking me up out there.

How does a nice girl like you end up in a dump like this?

This is just a stop gap.

How about you?

No stop gaps for a sinner.

I got up the spout.

That's not a sin.

It is when you're a nun.

You can hide a lot under a habit, but not twins.

-They're gorgeous.

-You couldn't babysit, could you?

What?

Now?

Yeah.

I live down the street.

There's a bald fella out front who I think will part with a few bob for a quick hand shandy.

Darling... we've hit the jackpot.

Sir Bernard Beaumont, the theatrical impresario wants to meet you.

Really?

Me?

What did he say?

That you've got a great rack and he wants a threesome.

He'll pay double figures.

All we have to do is... SHE WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY I am not doing that.

No matter how much he pays.

Leave her alone, Ivy, you big doper.

She's not putting out so you can get your next fix.

Anyway, she's babysitting for me.

Don't do it, darling.

Those fucking twins are worse than the Krays.

How dare you, you posh clit!

THEY STRUGGLE Oh, no!

BEEHIVE: Oi!

Hey, can you... Stop it!

Oi, oi, oi!

HE GROANS Sorry.

You.

You're nothing but bloody trouble.

People come in here for an evening of high-class entertainment, not to watch you fucking around with a fan.

-High-class?

-Yes.

-Glorified knocking shop more like.

-How dare you?

If you paid your girls properly, they wouldn't have to... What?

What?

To bash impresarios on the bum hole with a meat mallet!

THEY GASP Little bitch!

I am going to have you!

THEY GASP HE SCREAMS BEEHIVE: Get the fuck out!

And don't come back!

BRIAN GROANS I despair.

That was another missed opportunity.

Sir Bernard Beaumont is one of the top producers around.

Top pervert around.

I am not going back.

BRIAN HUMS Brian, help me.

Brian, I need another job.

HE GASPS Are you still here?

I thought I heard quite an annoying buzzing sound.

-Beryl Charlton called-- -That's enough, Patsy.

Thank you very much.

I'll handle this.

Well, young lady, despite the fact that you stole a script, fabricated a pack of lies, humiliated and intimidated a top Light Entertainment producer...

HE CHUCKLES they seem to want to hear you read.

Patsy, the script.

For the part of Cicely?

Actually I went out on a limb and suggested you for the part of Jim.

Of course, Cicely, you stupid little idiot.

But Beryl Charlton said they'd never cast anyone like me.

And if Beryl has anything to do with it, they won't.

However, this Mahindra chap, the producer, he thought you had something.

HE CHUCKLES Apart from bare face cheek.

Pull yourself together.

Your audition's at two o'clock, don't be late.

Two o'clock.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Brian.

Thank you.

All right.

Knock them dead, darling.

Can I borrow a shilling for my bus fare?

#THE BYRDS: Don't Doubt Yourself, Babe -Hi.

-DRIVER: Bye-bye, darling.

SHE GROANS -Shit.

-BUS BEEPS Hiya.

Traffic was so bad, I thought it was quicker to swim.

I owe you all an apology.

Especially you, Mr. Mahindra.

What I did was wrong.

I am truly sorry.

Well, apology accepted.

-We'd like you to read some of the script.

-No problem.

Yes.

Thank you.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT SHE EXHALES Out loud.

Oh, sorry.

In fact, we'd like you to read it with Clive.

Yes, you see... this is what we call a chemistry read, and before Tony and Bill make some asinine jokes about Bunsen burners, a chemistry read is where we see how we can work together, Sophie.

-It's comic chemistry we're looking at.

-Yeah, and also sexual chemistry.

Crikey.

That's a lot to cram into one test tube.

So why don't we start with the scene where the characters of Cicely and Jim are planning a dinner party at home?

Should I read it in my voice or Cicely's voice or-- You know, I would love to hear her read it in Cicely's voice, if you can do RP.

That stands for "really posh", Sophie.

So interior flat, open on Jim, his fiancee Cicely enters looking for something.

Hello, darling.

Can I help you?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED POSH VOICE) I think I left my handbag here.

Uh, it's... no.

"I think I left my handbag here."

Did you, Clive?

I am not one to judge.

I'll help you look for it later.

Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, Clive.

Sorry.

-Can I have another crack at it?

-TONY: What about scene ten?

When Cicely tells Jim off for forgetting to defrost the rack of lamb.

Why don't we pretend this ball is the meat, so you're both panicking because you're trying to defrost it in time for the boss.

Hot water bottle and a hair dryer works every time.

Not with chicken though, makes the giblets smell like shite.

Sorry, that's not very Cicely, is it?

-All right, all right.

So... -BARBARA: Right.

They're here.

I can hear them.

Quick, hide the meat.

Jim, this is no time for hanky-panky.

-CLIVE: What?

No, that's not the line.

-Sorry.

I did it again.

Look, pass it back.

Very good.

Sorry.

They're coming.

I can hear them.

Hide the meat.

DENNIS: Okay.

Woop!

What's going on?

Yes.

- SOPHIE ROARS - Not the face!

Not the face.

Okay.

One more.

Right, right.

And...

They're coming.

I can hear them!

Quick!

Hide the meat.

CLIVE: This was supposed to be my rest day.

BARBARA: I am not a performing seal.

-CLIVE: Hide the meat.

-BARBARA: Fine.

They're vegetarian.

CLIVE: Get that.

Go on.

You're sort of playing my part now.

-BARBARA: Whoo!

-CLIVE: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What am I doing here?

I keep playing the game.

BARBARA: The dame?

In what?

Panto?

I can hear them.

Hide the meat.

SHE GROANS Oh, congratulations, Jim.

DENNIS: Thank you so much, Sophie.

Could you please give us a moment to chat?

SHE MIMICS A CHICKEN Would the audience really buy into this relationship?

I mean, me and her.

That's a good point.

They might wonder why she's with such an asshole.

She just needs to feed the lines and look pretty.

Is that the sound of Emmeline Pankhurst turning in her grave?

-Sophie, can I have a word?

-Yeah.

Regrettably-- It's fine.

Forget it.

I should have listened to my Auntie Marie.

(AS MARIE) "Don't get big ideas, young lady, stick to being Miss Blackpool Belle.

Running off to London like you're something special."

You're a beauty queen?

On balance, I decided to leave by the door instead of the broom cupboard.

DENNIS: Sophie, what I was going to say, um... is that, regretfully, we don't get to make the final decision, but... as far as we're concerned, you're in the show.

CLIVE: Oh, God.

BARBARA SOBS No.

Please.

CLIVE: Here you go.

BARBARA LAUGHS BARBARA: Hang on to your hat, Dad.

Breaking news.

Who did I spy today?

Only the actual Captain Smythe from The Awkward Squad.

And guess what?

He's much taller than he sounds on the radio.

-Clive Richardson?

-Yeah.

Well, she only glimpsed him apparently in the corridor or something.

She's been to see where they do all the comedy shows.

Like a guided tour?

She didn't say.

MARIE: The doctor says he's got to take better care of himself, but does he listen?

-AIDEN: How is that, Marie?

-Lovely, Aiden.

Thank you.

He says he cooks for himself, but the other day, I found him eating powdered soup straight from the packet!

-You never did.

-I did.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

-Ta-ra, love.

-Ta-ra, Betty.

How are you?

AIDEN: You know, keeping busy.

-Stepping out with anyone?

-You asking?

MARIE GIGGLES I don't know what came over her.

I've half a mind to go to London and bring her back myself.

-Ta-ra, Aiden.

-Later.

BARBARA: I am going to the television center.

I am meeting Ted Sargent, the head of Light Entertainment.

Ooh, Light Entertainment.

Five minutes ago you were prancing around with tassels on your tits.

Oh, God, don't remind me.

Dennis, the producer, is a real gentlemen.

He says if this meeting goes well, I've got the job.

That's great.

I'd finally get some rent.

Oh, God.

I am so cocking nervous.

You, nervous?

Don't be daft.

Although I'd mind your language.

My future lies in one man's hands.

MARJORIE: Okay then.

In that case... here's a technique I always find helpful.

When you get into this meeting, you sit down.

You look this Ted Sargent fella dead in the eye, and you imagine him taking a great big shit.

-Morning, Sophie.

-Morning, Dennis.

Welcome.

-Wow.

-Yeah, it's this way.

Should I be serious?

A bit flirty?

What, now?

With Ted Sargent.

-Oh, gosh, no.

No, no.

-No.

You won't try one of your antics?

Antics?

Yeah, pretending you've met someone you haven't or-- No, Dennis.

I promise.

I'll keep my trap shut and agree with everything he says.

Well, actually, he's rather suspicious of people who he thinks are telling him what he wants to hear.

No toadying.

-No toadying.

-No.

-No flirting.

-No.

-No antics.

-Yes.

Got it.

Oh, God.

I hope he says yes.

It's a good thing the writers are awfully keen on you.

I am sure he won't want to lose any more talent to the other side.

He hasn't quite got over losing Hancock.

-Is he the one who lost Tony Hancock?

-Yes, he was.

-Don't mention any of that to Ted.

-No, no.

After you.

Good morning.

-BARBARA: Morning.

-DENNIS: Morning.

So, Dennis, I gather the boys have got it into their heads to re-jig the script to accommodate Miss Straw.

They'd like to make Cicely hail from Blackpool.

That's where I come from.

Yes, and we all rather like the way that Sophie sounds.

We feel it brings something.

Sadly not an audience.

Our esteemed casting director Beryl Charlton felt that Marcia Bell did a charming audition and she has a profile.

So perhaps we can find a role for Miss Straw another time.

Yes, well, Marcia Bell is certainly one way we could go.

The not funny way.

In my vast experience, good looks and comic ability rarely go hand in hand.

The girl is in the show to be the voice of reason, not to play the fool.

It's fine.

I get it.

I am a risk.

And you don't want another flop on your hands like that Foreign Matters.

I mean, I enjoyed it, but...

Unfortunately, that show never quite found its audience.

Oh, dear.

Were they hiding?

DENNIS LAUGHS Dennis, I am curious.

What makes you think I would allow the reputation of the network to rest on the inexperienced shoulders of a nobody from Liverpool?

BARBARA: Nobody from Blackpool.

Well, Sophie is different.

And maybe people from Blackpool would like to see themselves represented on television.

Thanks, Dennis, but Ted Sargent is right.

Just because ordinary working people from the North might find it funny doesn't mean that he should put me in the show.

And Bill, Tony and Clive strike me as loyal.

They'll hardly rush over and do the show on the other side like Tony Hancock did.

DENNIS CLEARS HIS THROAT This weekend, I shall fly to the Montreux Festival with The Black and White Minstrels.

You sing and dance?

-Dennis.

-Yes, sir.

I will give you 24 hours to prepare a new script with Miss Straw before I depart to the airport.

I shall attend a read through tomorrow morning at 10.

DENNIS: Yes.

Very good, sir.

Thank you.

Twenty-four hours.

So we keep Jim as the posh boy politico.

Went to public school, still votes Labour, works at the Foreign Office.

Do we keep the boss coming for dinner thing?

-Can we change that?

It's so trash.

-Trojan horse, you know that.

Traditional set up, we smuggle things into the script.

So how does he meet Cicely, the working class Northerner?

Slumming it down the pub, maybe knocks her up.

Knocks her up?

I think you'll find he didn't.

Me dad would burst a blood vessel.

Sophie, you're playing a character, it's called acting.

-BILL: You should try it sometime, Clive.

-You should try writing sometime.

What are you, Tony?

His script monkey?

Fuck off.

Couldn't I, my character, work at Whitehall too?

CLIE: As what... a cleaner?

-Actually, what if she's Jim's cleaner?

-BILL: Good.

That's good.

Right, Tony?

I mean, what if Jim has to pretend that his cleaner is his fiancee?

-Margaret.

We'll call her Maggie.

-No, I can't-- And she has to act all posh and prepare a fancy meal, foie gras, tartare, all that bollocks.

I am crap in the kitchen.

I once managed to burn water.

We're having that line, thank you.

I like it.

I like it.

It's a good odd couple scenario.

BARBARA: Odd?

Thanks, Dennis.

Dennis thinks anyone's odd who hasn't been to Cambridge...

Yes, actually I do.

Come on.

We need a name.

Now, Sophie... what comes to mind when you think of Blackpool?

Dirt and ferrets.

-Working down the pit?

-Dysentery.

Clogs!

We're writing a sitcom not a Ken Loach drama.

What does go with a regular woman from Blackpool?

Stick of rock and sense of bitter disappointment?

What about Doris?

TONY: What, is she 90?

So call time for the reading with Ted Sargent tomorrow is 9:45 a.m. Now it is essential that everyone gets an early night.

Bill.

But Sophie's character still hasn't got a name.

DENNIS: Keep thinking.

You'll come up with something good.

So any last minute changes we'll do by hand in the morning, all right?

Does it even matter what she's called?

What is wrong with Doris?

Look, I am sorry to be an arse, but I do feel the focus is-- Actually, can we change Clive's character name from Jim to Hugh Jarse or should we do it by hand in the morning then?

CLIVE: Look, I am doing everyone a favor turning up to this read through tomorrow, so a bit of respect would be quite nice.

Bill, has anyone ever refused to read for Ted Sargent?

That actor Reggie Lake.

He didn't turn up to a Ted Sargent read through.

-Reggie Lake.

Who's Reggie Lake?

-Exactly.

Oh.

-Barbara.

-What?

It's got good rhythm to it.

Barbara from Blackpool.

All right, we've got the name, can we please change the title, Dining In?

Let's call it Barbara and Jim.

CLIVE: Yeah.

I like it.

Jim and Barbara.

-Night, Soph.

-DENNIS: Very good, Tony.

Very good.

-Hi.

-MAN: Evening.

BARBARA: Aiden?

-What are you doing here?

-I am making a romantic gesture.

Well, you better come up.

-I've missed you so-- -Keep it down.

You'll wake my flatmate.

MARJORIE SNORES Aiden!

-Have you been drinking?

-I needed some Dutch courage.

You gave me the shock of my life, you leaving.

-Assumed it would be you and me forever.

-You should have asked what I wanted.

Since you left, I've had time to think.

I am willing to give you another chance.

Come back with me.

I can offer you more than this.

I've inherited the business.

-I can put down a deposit on a bungalow.

-I don't want a bungalow.

I've got the chance to do something that I've always wanted to do.

Be on the telly in a comedy show.

Love, you're living in a fantasy land.

You're a pretty lass and that, but people like us don't get on TV.

-It could all change tomorrow.

-How long are you going to go on-- It really could all change tomorrow.

I know I did this once before, but I am going to do it again.

Better.

I love you, Barbara.

I want to grow old with you.

Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?

Easy, love.

Easy, easy.

I've just had a pickled onion.

HE GROANS SHE GIGGLES THEY KISS AND GIGGLE - MARJORIE SNORES - ALARM CLOCK RINGS MARJORIE GASPS MARJORIE GASPS Morning, love.

I made you breakfast... like a modern fella.

Fucking hell.

What time is it?

-TED: Good morning.

-Morning.

Where is her ladyship?

In the bog, troweling on the war paint?

She knows she's got to be here by 9:45, right?

I am saying nothing.

(COUGHING) Should have hired a professional.

-You have to go, Aiden, I am late.

-Not until you say yes.

BARBARA: I can't say yes.

Things have changed.

I've seen a different world.

A world without me in it?

Sorry.

#THE LEE KINGS: On My Way Not now, Mr. Norris.

Fucking hell.

-Dennis.

-Sir.

Morning.

And where is Miss Straw?

Um... She's on her way.

Beryl, kindly phone Marcia Bell's agent.

Tell him we would like to offer Miss Bell the part of Barbara in Jim and Barbara.

It'd be my pleasure.

BARBARA GRUNTS So, so sorry, everyone.

Still have me watch set to Blackpool time.

Oh...

Uh...

Yes.

Welcome, everyone, to this new comedy playhouse.

It's called Jim and Barbara.

It's written by Tony Holmes and Bill Gardiner.

Starring Clive Richardson, of course, and introducing... Sophie Straw.

Hey.

TED CLEARS THROAT #BRENTON WOOD: Gimme Little Sign And lights fade on Barbara and Jim on the door step.

Music, end credits.

Thank you, everyone.

Beryl, put Marcia Bell on hold.

Can we take that as a green light, sir?

I shall inform you when I've made my decision.

Whatever happens, thank you so much for giving me this chance.

Oh it's quite... What if old fucked up Sargent says no?

I mean, we've written it for her now.

She didn't shit up any of the jokes.

Plus, we know Dennis likes her.

Did you see his face when she hugged him?

Face, I could hardly see it behind his enormous lob.

-You are disgusting.

-Yeah.

If she does get the part, they'll have to find a way to be a convincing couple, though I suppose as long as they can act, it'll be all right.

You're the expert.

Here we go.

Time to fuck with Tony.

Did you know when she married you?

-Bill, mate, you're drunk.

-That's when I am at my most sparkly.

-But what about the practical side?

-Oh, Jesus, just leave it out.

It's not of your bleeding beeswax.

We're working on all that.

If this comedy playhouse goes to series, we'll have to get our normal married couple facts from somewhere and they sure as hell aren't gonna be from me, ducky.

All right, that's enough.

Come on, Bill, please.

-I need to lie down.

-Please.

Fucking hell.

KNOCKING AT DOOR Oh, my God, that's gonna be the landlord.

Quick, quick, quick.

Under here.

(WHSIPERS) Why are we hiding.

Doesn't he have a key?

Shut up, and try and blend in with the lino.

BRIAN: Sophie, are you in there?

BARBARA: Brian, what are you doing here?

Jesus Christ.

Has there been an earthquake?

Are there any survivors?

Marjorie.

Good morning, Marjorie.

Please, take a seat.

Mind the wonky leg.

-I beg your pardon?

-She means the chair.

Well... it seems you got the job.

THEY SCREAM AND LAUGH We start rehearsals right away.

Might I suggest that with your first paycheck you get a telephone installed, and perhaps a Flatley spin dryer.

So your first day.

Don't look so worried.

It's easy as riding a bike.

-Our director will be along shortly.

-I thought Dennis was the director.

I wish.

Ted Sargent has insisted on Bert.

One of his safe pair of hands to keep us in check.

-Why do you wish Dennis was the director?

-You'll see.

Script is joke free, far too long and we'll never shoot it in an evening.

Everyone say a big hello to Bert Redwood, our director.

Sorry, Bert, that's Tony's fault.

He wrote all the long unfunny bits.

All right.

I am sure it'll scrub up nicely with your experienced hands at the helm, Bert.

BERT: Don't blame me if we're still stuck here filming at midnight.

Mahatma, or however you pronounce your name.

-It's Mahindra and you know that.

-Mahindra, Mahatma, whatever.

Right, from the top.

SHE MIMICS VACUUM CLEANER Sophie Straw, I can't hear myself think.

Can you mime?

SHE CONTINES MIMICKING No.

Jesus.

You do the action, no sound.

Clive, you're on camera left, you're on the telephone, you're being dumped by Celia.

-Cicely.

-Who cares.

Sophie Straw, still cleaning, but you're listening into that telephone call.

You just walked into a camera.

What?

HE SIGHS On the night, there'll be four television cameras pointed at you and if you stand there, you'll be on the cameraman's lap.

Now much as he might enjoy it, dear, it doesn't make good telly.

Sorry, Bert.

It just felt like the place to be.

Felt like the right place to be.

Felt like the right... You know, this isn't Hedda Gabler.

We are not plumbing our emotional depths, we are blocking a shitting sitcom.

Now just stay where I bloody well put you.

Not on the coat rack.

Maybe I could help here.

Look, Bert, when I am on the telephone, would it help if perhaps I would be here for Sophie's-- Bert, we've actually got a better line for her.

-Mr. Redwood, your suit?

-Move that.

It feels a bit shallow.

Do you know what?

We might as well cut the whole bloody scene!

Then it would be too short.

-And not very funny.

-Bit like Bert.

TONY LAUGHS -Very good.

-Well, all right.

I suppose that's a wrap.

Let's reconvene tomorrow at the studio for the dress rehearsal, 9 a.m. sharp.

Sophie, the press department have organized an interview for you.

Me?

-Hi, I am Diane Lewis, Cherry magazine.

-Hi.

DIANE: Well, shall we?

I've never done an interview before.

Judging by that rehearsal, you can clearly hold your own.

Oh, my God, Bert got his pants in a right old bunch.

Don't write that, I'll get in trouble.

Too late.

It's in.

I am such a dippy doodle.

DIANE: It's fine.

I was joking.

So, have you ever read Cherry magazine?

Is it anything like Women's Weekly?

It's for young girls.

So less knitting cakes for the WI and more of the important issues of the day, like what clothes you wear, who your boyfriend is and what you cook for him.

You don't like your job, do you?

-I trained as a news reporter.

-Really?

But it's taking a while to get my foot in the door.

Right.

This is fun for now and I gotta say, I love the freebies and we get membership to the Vaults of St. James.

-The what of the what?

-It's a cool night club.

-Like Talk of the Town.

-With fewer pensioners.

It's the hottest ticket in London, you'd dig it.

Look, give me a ring sometime, and I will take you there.

GEORGE: Dearest Bubble, Work in the factory is action packed as ever.

The sugar boiler went on the blink, but we fixed it with a wing nut.

Home life is very quiet.

I can't wait to see you in action, my love.

I've told Marie I am going down to a rock convention.

She thinks I am joining the Rolling Stones.

I am bursting with pride, got a smile on my face and a spring in my step.

See you there.

Ying tong iddle I po.

Here we are.

Sorry, can I just have a moment?

SHE GIGGLES SHE GASPS -Is this all for me?

-DENNIS: Yes.

Thanks again... for taking a chance on me.

Well, you'll be terrific.

You've really lifted the show.

I've always hoped to find someone like you.

Comedy-wise, obviously.

Obviously.

Yeah.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

SHE CHUCKLES SHE GROANS Does Bert really want me to wear this?

He wants to show your shape, dear.

But...

I am the cleaner.

Who mops floors in a get-up like this?

It's a sitcom, not a play for today.

All right, what do you think?

Right.

But then Jim says, "that's nearly a mouthful".

It's good.

-Why doesn't it work?

-Rhythm.

Try putting in a very, there.

That's very nearly a mouthful.

That's very nearly a mouthful.

-That's very nearly... -DENNIS: That's very nearly a mouthful.

-BILL: Again, it's... -TONY: That's very nearly a mouthful.

That's very nearly a mouthful.

That's very nearly a mouthful.

-DENNIS: That's very nearly a mouthful.

-BILL: That's very nearly a mouthful.

-Polly.

-TONY: That's very nearly a mouthful.

Mr. Mahindra, you're needed in wardrobe.

Has something happened?

Yeah, the British Museum called, they want their outfit back.

TONY LAUGHS Madam doesn't like her costume.

It's just, when I watch a comedy, the characters I like have imperfections.

They're real.

WOMAN: Goodnight, George.

-WOMAN 2: Goodnight, George.

-PATSY: Goodnight, George.

-Night.

-PATSY: Don't stay too late.

Goodnight, ladies.

Be good.

If you can't be good, be careful.

PATSY: Enjoy your day off, you lucky thing!

HE GROANS HE FALLS TO FLOOR So, here we are.

STAGE CREW CHATTER CLIVE: Sophie, welcome to the space.

Now make sure that you have everything, your props, et cetera, et cetera, right where you want them.

(IN COCKNEY ACCENT) This is your manor, mate, as Bill and Tony would say.

When have you ever heard either of us ever say that?

He thinks we're the fucking pearly king and queen.

-What a perfect pear.

-Cheeky.

But, Soph, all of the fruit is fake.

Everything on this set is fake.

BILL: Including the lead actor.

CLIVE MOCK LAUGHS BARBARA GASPS -CLIVE: Not the face!

-BILL: That's more fakery.

DENNIS: All right, children.

Thank you very much.

Do not destroy the set.

First positions, thank you.

-BERT (OVER PA): Hello.

-Jesus!

CLIVE: No, just Bert in the control room.

BERT (OVER PA): Sophie, this is a dress rehearsal, why aren't you in costume?

I am in costume, Bert.

That is not the costume I had planned, Sophie Straw.

Sorry, that was my decision.

-I'm not prepared to take orders from a... -DENNIS: From a what?

-Please do continue.

-Well, let's run this wretched scene from when Barbara comes in with a vacuum cleaner and trust me, it won't be nearly as funny now we can't see down her top.

Okay, camera one.

You're a slave on Sophie, show me what you've got.

See, now that's funny.

That's funny.

Right.

BERT (OVER PA): First positions.

Action.

Cicely, darling, look, of course, there is absolutely no other woman in my life.

Jim?

Do you want me to polish your knick-knacks?

Knick-knacks has got two K's in it, should be funny.

Or maybe the logic is off.

This might sound rubbish, but I could pick up my feather duster and say, "Jim, can I flick it on your knick-knacks?"

DENNIS (OVER PA): It's a good idea, Sophie.

Give it go.

TONY: Three Ks, even better.

CROWD LAUGH THE SONICS PLAY ON RADIO BARBARA HUMS ALONG (IN POSH VOICE) Hello, I am Cicely.

So do you want me to be Jim?

What?

(IN POSH VOICE) Hello.

MARJORIE: I found this downstairs on the mat.

I've never had a telegram before.

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY MARIE: Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.

First your mother and now you abandoning him.

His poor heart can't take it.

Look, there's a train first thing tomorrow morning, be on it.

I can't come tomorrow, Aunty Marie.

MARIE: What do you mean you can't come?

I'd be letting an awful lot of people down.

-I'll come first thing Saturday.

-Saturday?

He might be dead by Saturday.

But, Auntie Marie, you don't understand how... No!

No.