[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] Welcome back to play of the week where each week a new play is performed live in front of a studio audience here in Cornley and broadcast to the nation.

I am Chris Bean, the director.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Last week you joined us for our thrilling unlicensed sequel to War Horse entitled More Horse.

I'd like to thank all those who wrote in with their complaints.

The criticisms offered were as artistically sound as they were personally abusive.

Needless to say I will never again be performing my Jamaican accent.

So, tonight's piece is a period romance.

The actors are prepared.

The stage is set.

Please enjoy, Harper's Locket.

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING] Bravo, Celeste.

I always say you can get the measure of a girl by seeing how well she swings a mallet.

And I always say you can get the measure of a man by seeing how often he insists upon measuring ladies.

Now, now, Celeste, be nice to your fiance.

Your turn, Edwin.

I don't know how you made that shot.

There's a storm coming, I can feel it in the air.

Celeste, the sun is shining and the sparrows are in flight.

[SPARROW CAWING] How tranquil it is.

Sparrows are so beautiful, I only wish they'd stay still long enough for me to paint them.

Go.

Go.

Emily, how is your painting coming along?

Very nearly finished, Father.

Well, I can't wait to see it.

Where is your butler with that lemonade?

I asked him for it ten minutes ago.

If he was my man... ...if he was my man, I'd have him flogged.

Really Edwin, I'd never dream of harming a member of my staff.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] I grow weary of this game.

You're just worried I'll win.

She's a card, eh, Edwin?

[GUNSHOT] Excuse me.

She certainly is a card, but that shall all have to change when we're married.

Father, please can we go inside?

Not until we've had our lemonade.

Ah!

Here comes Smythe now.

Thank you, Smythe... delicious.

Did Mrs. Hargreaves make it?

Did you?

Bravo, wonderful.

Shake my hand.

Don't shake my hand in fact.

Go and open the wine cellar, will you?

In fact, don't.

It's unlocked.

On your way.

What a good man.

-I made the lemonade!

-Thank you!

Shall we go inside?

But we haven't seen Emily's painting yet.

Oh, yes, Emily, do show us your latest masterpiece.

Oh, Emily, it's marvelous.

It is the very likeness of us.

And you've included a frog.

Yes, that's the only thing I know how to paint.

What a talent.

Let's head inside.

Hmm.

Celeste?

Cele... Aw, now, come on.

Celeste aren't you coming in?

I'm sorry, Father.

Celeste, you seem most distracted... most distracted this afternoon.

Do I?

What do you think of Edwin?

He is a fine gentleman.

And a splendid match.

Seems very keen on you.

I'm sure you'll be most happy with him.

And he with my dowry.

Please, Celeste, you know I am not long for this world.

[MOCK HACKING] I am weak and drawn.

[MOCK HACKING] This wicked illness grips tighter upon my lungs each day.

[SOFTER MOCK HACKING] Please, Papa, you must rest.

If you drive away the baron, who shall care for you after I've passed?

I shall care for myself.

Don't be ridiculous.

[MOCK HACKING] I wish to marry for love.

You must marry sensibly, Celeste, love will naturally follow.

Oh, please, Father.

[SCREAMS] Oh, please, Father.

[CLOCK CHIMING] Time to take one of your pills.

Thank you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] My dear, noble Papa, I'll see you inside.

Yes, see you.

♪ Be it pleasures and palaces ♪ Through we may roam ♪ Be it ever so humble ♪ There's no place like home -♪ Home -♪ Home ♪ Sweet, sweet home ♪ There's no place like home ♪ There's no place like home Emily, I do wish you'd play more often.

Thanks, Father...

Mother always used to say, practice makes perfect.

[PIANO PLAYS BY ITSELF] ♪ Sweet home ♪ There's no place like home ♪ There's no place like home Emily, I do wish you'd play more often.

-Mother always used to say... -[PIANO PLAYS BY ITSELF] ♪ Sweet home ♪ There's no... -[PIANO WINDING DOWN] ♪ There's no... place... like... ♪ Ho...ooo...ooo...ooo-me!

Beautiful.

Emily, I do wish you'd play more often -Mother always used to say... -[PIANO PLAYS BY ITSELF] Emily, please stop practicing.

Yes, I'd like to stop practicing!

We'd all like you to stop practicing!

You must stop practicing!

I will.

[CAT YOWLING] [CAT GROANING] Emily, I do wish you'd play more often.

Yes.

Mother always used to say practice makes perfect.

Well, not in this case.

Where's Celeste?

She's sitting a while longer in the garden.

Oh, yes, it's almost four.

She'll be waiting for Harper to come back from riding.

-Harper?

-Our stable boy.

Celeste really is obsessed with horses.

Mmm, horses.

Harper!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] Hello, Harper.

Hello, Harper!

Oh!

Good afternoon, Miss Fennick.

And hello, Treacle.

How are you, girl?

Neigh!

Why don't you join us for supper, Harper?

The thistles must not grow amongst the fine roses, Miss.

Oh Harper, I do so admire how you see the world.

So simple, so pure... so gentle.

I ain't nothing special, Miss.

I brought some oats from the pantry for your friend here.

Eat up, Treacle.

[VACUUM SOUND] Ahh!

Ahh!

Uh-uh.

She was hungry.

Neigh.

-Harper... -Miss Fennick.

[THUNDER RUMBLING] Get back indoors, Miss Fenwick, you don't want to get caught in the rain.

Goodbye, Harper.

Come on, girl.

Clop-clip, clop-clip.

Clip-clop.

Oh, are we both horses?

Ah, Celeste.

Edwin.

I meant every word.

-Please stop.

-I must have you, Emily.

Edwin, it's over, you are marrying my sister.

A marriage of convenience.

My father wants a dowry, yours a title, nothing more.

Oh, Edwin.

[CAT SNARLING] [MASKING CAT SNARL] Edwin, you must listen to what I'm saying, but I don't want to hurt you.

[GUNSHOT] Excuse me.

But father is ill, and if he were to find out about you and I...

I...

I fear he could not stand the shock.

Then you ought not to break it off with me.

If you do, I'll see your father learns everything.

I don't understand what you mean.

Kiss me!

No, Edwin!

Emily!

Emily, come back!

Emily!

Emily!

Emily!

Stable boy.

Stable boy!

Sir.

You didn't see anything just now, did you?

Nothing at all, sir.

What a charming animal.

That's a nice locket you've got there.

It belonged to my mother.

Of course.

I didn't imagine you could afford such fine things.

I could help you with that.

Take this.

No.

Take this.

No.

Take this.

No.

Take this.

Don't take it.

No, I couldn't possibly, sir.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] No, no...

I insist.

No.

I insist!

Do I take it?

No, you're a horse!

You've got nothing to spend it on.

Apples.

Horses don't buy apples.

They would if they had money.

Shut up!

Take it!

There's a good chap.

[VACUUM BLOWING] Come on, girl.

Oh!

Whinny.

Canter.

Canter.

Clop, clop, clop.

Canter.

Clop, clop, clop, clop.

Smythe!

Sir?

Fetch Mr. Fennick, would you?

Sir.

I'll be damned if a stable boy is going to cost me my dowry.

Edwin?

Ah, Mr. Fennick, may I speak with you privately?

Of course.

Step out, will you, Smythe?

Yes, sir.

It's rather unfortunate.

I left my wallet on the dining table just now and when I came back, I found a pound note missing.

Good lord.

And, I hate to say it but I saw your man Harper leave pretty sharpish when I came in.

Harper, a thief?

Thank heavens Smythe didn't hear you say that.

He's like a father to that boy.

As I say, rather unfortunate.

I'll send for him now.

Smythe!

Come in here, will you?

-Sir?

-Smythe!

Go and fetch Harper from the stables, would you?

-Of course, sir.

-Yes, I need to have a word with him.

Sorry about all this, Edwin.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] I'm so sorry about all this, Edwin.

Oh, not at all.

It's hardly your fault.

Well, that's jolly decent of you.

Mr. Fennick.

You wanted to see me, sir?

There you are, Harper.

Smythe, wait inside, would you?

As you wish, sir.

I'd rather you didn't hear this.

Now...

Turn out... [HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING] Turn out your pockets, Harper.

What's this about, sir?

Don't play the fool with me.

What do you mean?

We all know you've taken the Baron's money.

-I've done no such thing.

-Then how do you explain this... bubble gum.

How do you explain this bubble gum?

This hasn't been invented yet.

But also how do you explain this?

A handful of milk sachets.

You're not supposed to take these from the canteen!

But also how do you explain this?

Dr. Frog Script.

"Enter Dr. Frog.

Look at these medical reports they're ribbiting."

Did you write this?

This is dross!

Thank you.

-Where's the money?

-Oh, yes.

Not your contemporary money.

The money in the play.

Oh, oh.

Then how do you explain this one pound note?

Mr. Graves insisted I take it from him, sir.

I did nothing of the sort, you common thief.

What's going on?

It pains me greatly to do this, Harper.

But you're relieved of your post.

AUDIENCE: Awww.

AUDIENCE: Awww.

AUDIENCE: Awww.

AUDIENCE: Awww.

Harper!

This is awful.

Oh, yes.

Here, take my locket as a token of my love.

When everyone sleeps tonight meet me here and like the swallows heading south for warmer climes, we too shall fly and start a new life.

Oh, Harper, but now, go.

[THUNDER RUMBLING] Bray.

Until tonight my love.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Whinny, whinny.

Time to take your pill, Father.

Ah, I suppose.

[CHUCKLES] Feeling better, Father?

Much better.

[BELL RINGER HITTING FLOOR] Diggle-lingle-ling.

Dinner is served.

Thank you, Mrs. Hargreaves.

Thank you, Smythe.

[THUNDER RUMBLING] I was right.

A storm is coming.

Come, Papa, you must take your seat at the head of the table.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] I do love this spot.

What a treat it is to be dining with family and family to be, but, Celeste, why do you look so sad?

I was just thinking of poor Harper, the rain is really coming down now.

Yes, I'd hate to be out in this.

It's no less than he deserves.

Chef's finest roast vegetables.

Oh.

Doesn't that look good.

And the gravy.

Looks delicious.

I'll just fetch the wine!

Forgive me, for such a happy occasion there are more tears in my eyes than I anticipated.

But now we must toast to Celeste, until now a Fennick and soon to be a brand new Graves.

Water, Mr. Fennick?

No, thank you.

I have plenty.

Thank you, Bernard, for welcoming me into your family.

Thank you, Emily for the warmth you have shown me.

And of course, Celeste, my love, I cannot wait to share the rest of my life with you.

Now please, raise your glasses.

To my daughter Celeste...

But of course, it would not be right to toast -my daughter, without toasting my new son.

-[HAMMERING] Let us drink as well to Baron Edwin Graves... -[HAMMERING CONTINUES] -Oh, if it's not one thing, it's another.

To Baron Edwin Graves, [SCREAMING] the newest member of... the... family!

[IN NORMAL VOICE ]Of the family.

-MAN: Fixed it.

-Thank you.

Cheers.

-[HAMMERING] -[ALL EXCLAIMING] MAN: Sorry.

What a wonderful sentiment, father.

My darling, what an unusual locket.

Wherever did you get it?

I don't know.

I've had it for years.

-Is that so?

-It was mother's.

Your mother's locket was silver.

I'm sure you're mistaken, Father.

How's your food?

A little dry.

Oh, father, don't start yet.

We must say grace.

Of course.

-Dear lord... -[CRASHING] Oh, dear lord!

Bless this food unto us and us to your service.

Protect us from harm and keep us safe in your kingdom.

Amen.

Amen!

[SCREAMING] Marvelous, let's tuck in.

Emily, could you pass the horseradish?

Celeste, don't slouch.

You really must try some of this cranberry sauce.

Yes, father.

[ALL SCREAMING] [YELLING] I, for one am very glad to be sat here with you all.

And everything is simply delicious!

[YELLING] Mmmmm!

Where's Smythe with that rump?

Smythe!

Smythe!

Smythe!

[SCREAMING] [PIANO PLAYING BY ITSELF] ♪ There's no place like home [CRASHING] [MAN YELPING] Oh, good, the rain has stopped.

Emily, my dear, when will we be seeing you marry, I wonder?

I have no intention of marrying any time soon, Father.

So young to have sworn off men already!

[CHUCKLES] Indeed I have, Father.

My little experience of gentlemen has taught me to find them quite beastly.

Father, would you carve the rump?

Please allow me to season it first, sir.

And I'll just check that it is cooked through.

-No!

-No, Mrs. Hargreaves!

Well... We'll take it as read that that's fine to eat.

Although we will not eat that.

I quite agree with you, Emily, there are some gentlemen who are barely men and anything but gentle.

I can't stand another moment of this.

Sitting inside all cozy and warm and all the while you are lying to us.

I don't know what you mean.

Don't play the fool.

You're wearing Harper's locket!

[THUNDER CLAPPING] Your daughter is planning to run away with a common stable boy.

Is this true, Celeste?

It is, father.

I love him.

And I love her!

This is too much for my fragile lungs.

[COUGHING] Have you no shame?

You're one to talk.

It's time to come clean.

Emily, please.

Edwin and I have been having a liaison.

Oh, my heart!

Can you ever forgive me, Celeste?

My love, it's time!

We must flee this cruel house.

You'll not be going anywhere without your horse.

[HARPER GASPS] MAN: Action!

MAN: You're right, we probably could've used less.

Treacle!

Treacle, no!

[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING] Oh, Edwin!

How could you?

Now that the horse is dead, it's time to put the dog out of its misery!

[CELESTE GASPS] [GUNSHOT] Celeste, no!

Edwin.

[SCREAMS] Celeste?

Oh, dear Celeste, don't die.

Celeste knew there was a terrible storm coming.

Look how happy we were just a few hours ago.

Playing croquet without a care in the world.

A frog was there.

Oh!

Celeste, you're alive!

How?

[GASPING] Harper's locket.

-[THUNDER CLAP] -Thank God.

But, what about Treacle?

Treacle?

Treacle?

She's alive, she's going to be alright.

[VACUUM STARTING] No, Treacle!

Treacle!

No!

Argh!

Argh!

Treacle!

Treacle Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Bray.

Bray.

Father, I'm so sorry to have caused you such pain.

My darling girl, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.

If Harper makes you happy, then you have my blessing, be he pauper or prince he will be part of our family.

Thank you, sir.

No.

Where's Smythe?

Smythe!

You must hear of this!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] Oh!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Indeed.

Emily, are you alright?

Of course.

Edwin was a frightful man who preyed upon me in my young naivete.

[GUNSHOT] Excuse me.

I am so sorry to have inflicted that dreadful man upon you.

Well, I say good riddance to him.

[RING CLATTERING] [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING] Look everyone, the clouds are clearing.

The storm has passed.

Harper, perhaps you'd like to join us inside.

Thank you, sir.

I feel as though an awful weight has been lifted off my lungs.

Emily, perhaps you'd play that song for us again.

Of course, Father.

[PIANO PLAYING] ♪ Sweet, sweet home -♪ There's no place like home -[CAT SCREECHING] [CAT SNARLING] ♪ There's no place like home [EMILY SCREAMING] [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]