(gentle music) - It's a wonderful game for deductive ability, for strategic thinking.

- I may not be faster, I may not be able to jump as high, I may not be able to shoot as well.

- Yes, but you wanna say to that toxic member of the relationship, "What can I do to help you?"

- So my oldest grandchild and I, I wrote a poem, story poem, and she drew pictures, and we made a tiny story book.

- My mother, the AKA, she married my father, the Alpha Phi Alpha.

(bright music) - Welcome to "getting dot OLDER," the new TV series where Americans over 50 share intimate, personal revelations about aging.

I'm your host, Roberto Mighty.

This series interviews people live and online and asks everyone the same questions, like #6, "If I could go back in time and counsel my younger self, "I'd tell me to..." And question number #22, "My advice is..." You can answer these same questions on our online survey.

So join us, stay tuned on TV, and I'm looking forward to hearing your story online.

(upbeat music) In our Boomer Passions segment, Michelle does bridge tournaments.

Ellen mentions the unmentionable, class in America.

Patricia creates with her grandchild.

Glenn uses guile to hold his own on the basketball court with younger guys.

Viewers share revealing answers to our survey.

And our boomer quiz is about Latin music legend, Celia Cruz.

(bright music continues) My next guest loves to travel, is very proud of her daughter, and describes herself as the person at the cocktail party who is just watching everybody.

- Where did you grow up, Ellen?

- The jury is out on whether or not I ever grew up.

(Roberto laughs) I was born in St. Louis, St. Louis, Missouri, and I lived there until I went off to college.

- There are various class hierarchies in America, and you know you're not supposed to talk about them.

I asked Ellen to describe the role that college Greek life plays in her community.

She speaks here of a sorority, Alpha Kappa Alpha, also known as AKA, and a fraternity, Alpha Phi Alpha, known as A-Phi-A.

- You know, one of the things that I think very few whites are aware of, and Blacks increasingly of a certain age are aware of, there was a hierarchy.

And so, and this is really funny, because my mother, the AKA, married my father, the Alpha Phi Alpha, so this was a social circle in which you traveled.

And for better or worse, I'm not gonna be cute about it, my godfather was a surgeon.

My daughter's godfather was a psychiatrist, 'cause I figured that with a mother like me, she'd probably need one, eventually.

(Roberto laughs) What can I tell you?

(Roberto laughing) Those are the circles we moved in.

- Ellen told me about her love for music.

- I can't live without music, I can't.

Anytime you walk into my house, there's music, and it's all kinds of music.

I grew up with...

There was a group way back when that my father loved called Wings Over Jordan, and that brought me to Mahalia Jackson.

- Oh!

- And, oh yeah!

- (laughs) Of course.

- Mahalia Jackson at Newport, are you kidding?

- Forget about it.

- And then the only automobile accident my mother ever had was rushing to Kiel Auditorium to hear Arthur Rubenstein play the Rachmaninoff 2nd Piano Concerto.

She called the César Franck Symphony in D Minor her dusting music, (Roberto laughs) and addicted to Bach.

I just can't get enough.

And Mahler's "Resurrection" Symphony, I'll bet you I've heard it 50 times, and I cry every time.

(bright music) - [Roberto] Question #5, "The thing I love most about my age now is..." - The thing I love most about my age now is people give me seats on the bus.

They open the door for me without question, and I'm still here.

- (laughs) Excellent.

- Someone once asked my grandfather, "What's your secret to living so long?"

And he said, "You don't die, there you go."

(Roberto laughs) - Ellen has some mobility issues, so I asked her about one of her assistive devices.

How old were you when you started using the walker?

- Let's see, I'm 81... 79, 78, 79.

- And how do you feel about that?

- It depends on what phase the moon is in.

Sometimes I don't care at all, but sometimes I'll see someone who is really old, although I can't know how old they are, it's just they look so despondent on the walker.

So I make sure I always walk straight up and that I move at a nice pace.

I don't go, I'm just sort of rocking it.

I'm rocking the walker.

(laughs) - (laughs) That's great.

There's that wonderful song by Elaine, well, Elaine Stretch.

I believe it's from a Stephen Sondheim musical, and she, "I'm still here, I'm still here!"

- Exactly, exactly!

(soft music) - We'll hear more from Ellen in upcoming episodes, but what about you?

Are you using a cane, walker, or wheelchair these days?

How are you adapting to it?

(bright music) - One person is going to have the winning card, and they will take all four cards and keep 'em to themselves, and that will be winning one trick.

(upbeat music) (upbeat music continues) ♪ Oh, can't you see that look in my eye ♪ ♪ We're runnin' out of time, we're running out of time ♪ ♪ Can you hear it when I talk to you ♪ ♪ There's something going on inside ♪ ♪ I dunno what I got to do ♪ ♪ I dunno what I got to say ♪ (bright music) - Our viewer survey comes from Katyea who grew up on a farm and is now a veterinarian in New Hampshire.

Here's her answer to survey question number #27.

"Here's what I want done with my remains..." Now Katyea says, "Here's what I want done with my remains.

"I want to be cremated and buried with all my pets "and a flowering tree planted over us."

Katyea, that sounds lovely and thank you for sharing.

(bright music) My next guest is a Wordle fan, pickleball player, and nature photographer.

He's happily married to his second wife and has three children.

So Glenn, where are you from originally?

- I grew up in New Jersey, actually, in North Jersey and Bergen County, one of the most populous counties in the country, and I got out of there as soon as I was able.

When I was 18, I came up to Boston University and never left Boston, so that's over 50 years ago.

- Glenn is a journalist.

His writing career includes newspapers, magazines, and 13 books.

But these days, he specializes in a specific type of writing.

- Ironically, I don't know if you are aware of this or not, but the last bunch of years, say the last decade, I became an obituary writer, which segues right into "getting dot Older," because I found myself unexpectedly, never woke up one morning and said, "Wow, I would like to write obituaries."

It just sort of happened, and I've been contributing obituaries to the "New York Times" now for over 10 years.

And remarkably, the obit editor at the "Washington Post" recruited me, and I'm also contributing to him and to the "Post," so I'm probably the only writer writing for both papers at the same time.

- Glenn is an avid amateur athlete.

As he prepares to enter his seventh decade, I wondered how that's going for him.

- I still play basketball regularly.

And I played basketball all my life, since I was 10 or 12-years-old.

The other day I played in a group that I play with in Concord, Mass, and the guy that I was guarding was 27, and I said, "You know, I got 42 years on you, "so you're gonna have to slow down a little."

And he said, "No, you're the one that needs to slow down."

And what I realized is there's no real physical way I can compete against young guys like that, but I know I have wisdom about this game from decades of playing it that they don't have yet.

So, I may not be faster, I may not be able to jump as high, I may not be able to shoot as well, but I can do things, because I know the moves, and I know the game and the strategy in a way that they don't yet, and so that's what you use.

(bright music) - #24, "Sex used to be..." And 25, "Sex now is..." - Oh okay, well, sex now is (laughs) more challenging but still wonderful and still something that I enjoy a lot, and I feel like that's part of my joy of life.

It's a key part of it.

It's taken on a very different reality, but it's...

I would say that it's because it's less frequent than maybe it used to be, then you kind of make it better and make it more valuable, because you realize that this is more of a limited resource than it used to be, and there are people who can't do it anymore, I understand.

I'm not one of those people yet.

Hopefully, that won't happen, but it's more of a... And it's an issue in a marriage at this point in life, so I would say that.

It becomes a thing that you have to think about, and you have to plan more, and you have to be more understanding of what both partners require.

- We'll hear more from Glenn in an upcoming episode, but what about you?

What is sex like at this point in your life?

Are you in a long-term exclusive relationship?

Have you been single for some time?

Do you have more than one intimate partner or are you done with sex?

We're curious to hear more from our baby boomer audience about this particular issue.

The "getting dot OLDER" series includes expert advice for people over 50.

Our growing number of topics will include medicine, elder care, financial services, nutrition, geriatrics, estate planning, and lifelong learning.

Are you a friend to someone in a toxic caregiving relationship?

Many boomers are caregivers for a parent, a sibling, a child, or sometimes for a spouse.

Sometimes these relationships can be toxic.

Now we're not talking right now about violent abuse, that's a whole nother conversation.

But in the case of toxic-care relationships, we might wonder what, if anything, we can do or should do in our role as friends.

I spoke about this with Professor Sandra Edmonds Crewe, Dean of the Howard University School of Social Work.

- Those toxic relationships exist, and they are real.

One of the best things that you can do as a friend is to be a friend, and being a friend basically states that I'm here to listen.

It's okay, you can be vulnerable with me.

- Professor Crewe discussed how some people see no way out of these situations.

- Often people stay in relationships, not because they think it's best for them, they stay because they don't feel that they have options.

And so friends can sometimes reinforce that you do have options, but when that person is obstinate, "I've been in it this long, I'm not..." you can still be there for them.

- Sometimes the caregiver needs a break.

Sometimes the situation warrants stronger action.

- And so, you really have to make sure that you are not doing anything to damage the marital relationship.

You have to say to that person that, "I'm here to give you some time away, "'cause I'd like to spend some time with my friends," so you're giving them some freedom from the burden that the other person feels.

But being a friend is sometimes the best you can do, but also being a friend with eyes who can see things who you are able to go and say, "You know what, it's not my business, but it is my friend.

"Not my business, but it's my friend, "so I must be able to report certain behaviors," because you don't be in a situation where you say, "I wish I had said something."

- Oh, that's the worst.

Dr. Crewe also gave us surprisingly compassionate insight.

- Yes, but you wanna say to that toxic member of the relationship, "What can I do to help you?"

Because sometimes that person needs help, and they didn't get the help.

We talked about mental illness.

That person may have been suffering from a mental illness throughout their lives.

We may have simply looked at it as that person's just mean-spirited.

- Right, exactly.

- That person isn't kind.

But they may need help as well, so I think the help is for both to be a friend to that person to say, "I'm here to support you.

"I know how hard it is for your brother to be here all day, "but I would love to sit with her or sit with him," whatever the situation, be a friend, and not one of those friends that comes by when there's been an acute situation.

Come by during the times that you can be of help and bring something when you come.

When you come, bring something, bring your ear to listen, or bring something people can eat, or bring a hug.

Bring something when you come.

(bright music) - We'll hear more from Professor Crewe throughout the series, but what about you?

Are you concerned about a friend's toxic caregiving situation?

Are you in one yourself?

What strategies have you found useful?

On the other hand, what do you find most challenging?

And by the way, are you concerned that you might be the toxic caregiver?

Let me hear about that.

(bright music) Here's a viewer survey from Sheri who lives in Oregon and is a certified nutrition coach.

Here's her answer to survey question #17.

"My mission statement now is..." Sheri says, "What I'm about now is finding things to enjoy, "like Zumba Gold for older folks, "so I can be around people my age and not need to sit."

Sounds good Sheri, thanks for sharing.

(bright music continues) My next guest grew up on a farm in Utah.

She's a retired healthcare worker, a mom, and grandmother whose hobbies include volunteering, writing, painting, playing piano and accordion, and handicrafts.

She's busy.

I asked her about one of her recent projects.

- A few years ago, my oldest grandchild and I, I wrote a poem, a story poem, and she drew pictures, and we made a tiny story book for the two younger grandkids.

- That's wonderful.

- They were expecting a baby in that family, and by the time that Al and I finished the story and in the form of a book, the baby was born, so it was a nice project for both of us.

- I asked Patricia about her bucket list.

- I want to spend at least a week along an ocean coastline just seeing, just feeling, just absorbing everything that happens there, whatever happens there.

I want to be a part of a writers group, perhaps a painters group.

I want to make something for each of my kids and grandkids and their spouses for them to remember me by and yet have it be something that they want to have made, not just something I think they should have made for them.

I want to find something happy, even if it's only a small moment in every day.

That's one reason why I have a gratitude list going on that I try to add to several times a week, if not daily, just little things that happen every day.

(gentle music) - Question #1, "Getting older means..." - Okay, just yesterday, I can tell you what I said getting older means.

I was at a social with my neighbors, and I said, "Yeah, getting older means while you're eating a treat, "your denture comes loose, "and you have to pretend nothing's happening "while you carefully push it back in place."

- (laughing) That's great.

You've got a great sense of humor, okay, that's excellent.

We're off to a good start.

I like Patricia's concept of a gratitude list.

She mentioned little things that happen every day and then she showed me Joey.

Oh my goodness, look at that face, huh?

Look at that cute little guy.

How old is Joey?

- 12 years - He's getting up there.

- Yes.

- Well, (Patricia talks softly) thank you so much.

That was the wonderful way to end this interview.

(laughs) Look at the big smile on my face.

That was wonderful, thank you.

- We'll hear more from Patricia in an upcoming episode, but what about you, what are you grateful for?

(upbeat music) (upbeat music continues) (bright music) Do you play cards?

Although my family played, I never did learn.

I don't know a jack from a joker, but I did get the impression that some games are tougher to learn than others, like the 52-card-pickup is easy and bridge is not so easy.

- I have no recollection of not knowing how to play bridge.

I learned very, very young.

My mother and my grandmother were both very into the game, and it was just the three of us in the house, so they jury-rigged the game so that I could always still play, and they could have the fourth hand be the dummy all the time.

- Michelle insists that anyone, even I, can learn, so I asked her to give me the simplest possible definition of bridge.

(laughs) - The big difference about bridge versus many other trick-taking games, is that there's a language that you're taught, and that language permits you to describe to your partner and from your partner what your hands look like.

Your opponents get to know what that language is as well, so they're listening.

And then, in the course of the play, everybody sees a different 50% of the hand.

I see my hand and the hand in front of me.

My opponents, who are trying to beat me, will see their hand and the hand in front of me, and so there's a lot of information available to you.

It's a wonderful game for deductive ability, for strategic thinking.

- I have no idea what she just said, and I'm sure that at my age, it's just too late for me to learn.

- I was 62 when I first started playing bridge.

- [Roberto] You didn't start playing until you were 68?

- Yeah.

- And how long ago?

(everyone laughs) - [Companion] 15-years ago.

- [Roberto] Wow!

(everyone laughs) Okay, so maybe it's not too late for me to learn, but could a game that complicated really be fun?

- It's a social event.

It's about playing cards and kicking butt, but it's also about eating and laughing and joking and carrying on.

- I don't drink when I play bridge, because if you drink, you can't stay as sharp.

- I ask the players why they like to do tournaments.

- But I guess I like the challenge of it and to know that I can compete and can compete with people who are better than I am.

- I wondered if bridge might be good for the synapses like Sudoku, Wordle, or learning a new language.

- If you think that doing a Sudoku here and there is going to keep your brain working when you get older, you're mistaken.

You probably need to be learning something that almost hurts to learn, and I was like, "Well that's bridge."

(laughs) - You might be happy to know that bridge is mainly a baby boomer pastime.

According to Northeastern University, the average age of American competitive bridge players is about 71.

If you wanna start learning bridge, try finding a local bridge club.

There are also online courses and videos.

(upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music continues) Thanks so much, please go to our website and take our survey and let us know if you're interested in doing a video call interview with me.

I am really looking forward to hearing your story online.

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