♪♪ ♪♪ [ Piano playing ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Whenever I think of you, the taste of mango appears in my mouth.

I'm transported back to all the times we ate them together.

When you taught me to know if it was just ripe enough... ...to cut carefully around the center... ...making criss-cross shapes on either side.

♪♪ What joy I would feel when you handed me the seed... ...with juice dripping down my arm and flesh stuck in my teeth.

♪♪ ♪♪ You told me you devoured crates of mangoes when you were pregnant with me.

♪♪ And that Nana did the same for you.

♪♪ ♪♪ -Aww.

So very pretty.

-Oh!

I'm so happy.

I'm helping you pack.

-I know.

That's Nana's bag.

Nana's packing to go back to Sri Lanka.

-26 years goes fast.

-Give me a grandchild.

[ Laughs ] -Easy, Mother.

-Easy, Chloe.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what the family is like.

You know what the family is like, right?

Nobody comes forward as well.

[ Indistinct chatter ] [ Sirens wailing in distance ] [ Chuckles ] [ Ethereal music plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -I wonder if you knew how much of your whispers I picked up on as a child.

I even remember predicting that you and Dad would get divorced about five years before it happened.

♪♪ One time, I overheard you arguing and then when you noticed me out of the corner of your eye, you forced a big smile.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ I've only ever seen you cry once.

We had argued, and I called you a bad mother.

I didn't even know that parents could cry.

♪♪ I think that might've been the moment that I realized that you could feel pain.

♪♪ -[ Laughs ] That's for you.

I was about... seven months pregnant, probably, here.

-How old were you?

-26.

26.

Just 26.

-What was that like?

-Exciting.

Cold.

[ Chuckles ] Pregnant.

[ Laughs ] Nana should've stayed here when she came.

-What was it like when she was here?

-It was good, because I'd been supporting her throughout my young adult life.

It was the first time that she was able to help me.

-Why do you think she went back?

I think it was that man who she went back for.

That's what went wrong.

-If it weren't for him, do you think she would still maybe be here?

-I don't know.

I think maybe 50-50, 'cause her head was in Sri Lanka with that man.

-Who's that?

That's you!

-That's me.

With Nana, sitting outside in the garden.

Can't remember if he had drinks already.

In the daytime he drinks, in the evening he drinks.

And he came back, then he said something, and I just left the room.

I went to my room, and I think, without me even knowing, I just shut the door really hard.

He came like a monster.

And he beat me and beat me and beat me and beat me a lot.

He was holding my head and banging my head on the wall.

I was trying to run but he would come behind me and catch me and then drag me back again to the room and hit me again.

And I was trying to run, then I was on the -- there's a road going right back home, and I was there, then he dragged me on the -- Like this, with my hair, he was dragging me, dragging me, "Come back to the room."

And he was hitting -- Mom's trying to, you know, get him away from me.

It was horrible.

My head was all sore.

My face was sore.

My -- There was lots of marks on me.

A lot.

-And she's still with him.

-Yep.

40 years later.

[ Birds chirping ] [ Kenny Rogers' "Coward of the County" plays over speakers ] -♪ Tommy opened up the door ♪ ♪ And saw his Becky crying ♪ ♪ The torn dress, the shattered look ♪ ♪ Was more than he could stand ♪ ♪ He reached above the fireplace ♪ ♪ And took down his daddy's picture ♪ ♪ As his tears fell on his daddy's face ♪ ♪ He heard these words again ♪ ♪ "Promise me, son, not to do the things I've done ♪ ♪ Walk away from trouble if you can ♪ ♪ Now it won't mean you're weak ♪ ♪ If you turn the other cheek ♪ ♪ I hope you're old enough to understand ♪ ♪ Son, you don't have to fight to be a man ♪ [ Cat purring ] -Did Nana ever tell you anything about what your dad was like?

I know he died when you were really young, but... -Not much.

I think from her letter, you can see he was the only man who kind of, you know, loved her and would have protected her.

All the others were just useless.

27, your age, when he died.

27.

It's very sad.

Yeah.

I just can't imagine what life would've been like, you know, when -- It would've been very good.

I wouldn't have had to go through all that nonsense as a child.

But then... in some ways, maybe I would have not come to the UK.

You guys wouldn't have been born.

You know what I mean?

He had to probably sacrifice his life for all this to happen eventually to me.

Yeah.

That's how I think about it.

-Yeah, I think I...

When I was growing up, I -- I thought about him a lot.

Like, I imagined him... -Mm.

-And... [ Clears throat ] I used to look at his picture a lot.

It was in your room, and, like, talk to it sometimes.

-[ Chuckles ] Aww.

-I felt like he was there with us a lot.

-Yeah, I think he's there with us a lot.

I always feel he's there, you know, looking out.

And whenever I -- If I have to pray, I won't pray to God.

I'll be saying -- Like, you know, asking him questions.

♪♪ ♪♪ Yeah, imagine if my dad was here.

But you can't change the past.

You just have to live in the present.

That's how I've lived my life, because if I had to live in the past, I would've gone crazy.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Last night, I woke up at four in the morning, completely naked, in an overflowing bathtub.

♪♪ ♪♪ I must have started sleepwalking again.

♪♪ The last time, I think it was over 15 years ago, when we were in Sri Lanka.

Staying deep in the hills, sleeping outside.

♪♪ That night, I woke up to Nana screaming my name.

♪♪ All I could see was black, and I could hear the sound of rushing water meters and meters below my feet.

♪♪ Nana hurried me back to where we slept, tying one end of the bed sheet to her wrist and the other to mine.

♪♪ [ Telephone ringing ] -Mom?

-Hi.

-Hi, how are you?

How are you feeling about Nana coming?

I feel quite angry towards her, though.

Hi, Nana.

[ Laughs ] Are you happy to be here with us?

I think we'll have more time together this trip.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ I had this dream that I was pregnant, but when I gave birth, the baby turned into Nana.

Mummy?

You were there with me in the hospital, and she was crying and crying, but you wouldn't hold her.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Nana?

What does it mean to be in love?

Aww, say that again!

-I'm in love with Geoff five years on.

-Yeah, you've had a happy five years, Mom.

Yeah, I know.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ -Thank you.

-♪ Happy birthday, dear Nana ♪ ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ Whoo!

♪♪ ♪♪ The last time Nana visited, she kept criticizing you.

♪♪ Whenever I raised my voice or talked back, she would tell me to be simple and ladylike.

♪♪ I couldn't understand why you'd never say anything.

♪♪ ♪♪ To me, it seemed like this alien had landed in our home, and you were going about life as normal.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ I guess it gets easier as you get older... ...hiding how you really feel.

♪♪ ♪♪ -My tummy hurts, and my head hurts really bad.

I've taken so many tablets, and it's not going away, my headache.

My eyes and my temples, here.

It's just the flu.

-That's not flu.

-Just all my tiredness probably coming back to me.

[ Sighs ] All the years of stress... [ Chuckles ] ...it hits you, at some point.

[ Cat meows ] -Milo.

-[ Chuckles ] [ Laughter ] -Oh, my God!

-Without saying yes, I said, "Are you sure?

100%?

110%?"

And he said, "Yes".

Yes!

-Oh, my God, you're getting married!

-Oh, my gosh, everyone's gonna be so excited and happy.

[ Indistinct chatter ] [ Yohani's "Manike Mage Hithe" plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Laughter ] [ Indistinct chatter ] -Everyone has always told me that I have your smile.

You taught me to be wary of it.

It might get me into trouble.

That day...

The day you finally told me.

You had been waiting until I was 18, when you thought I'd be old enough to understand.

But I already knew.

Somehow my body already knew.

[ Waves crashing ] -And then, all of a sudden, I woke up to somebody carrying me.

And I couldn't -- There's nothing I could do.

There's this man, strong man, taking me out of the house and walking on the beach.

It was really, really dark.

I remember him walking for ages.

It seemed like forever, on the beach.

And then he put me down and then...

I just got into a trance, and all I could -- I could see the sea.

And, uh, I thought I was gonna die.

I thought he was gonna kill me.

That was it.

I didn't even think about rape.

I was thinking, he's gonna kill me.

And I started talking about my dad, saying that I was sad, and my dad died, and I was eight months when he died and I never got to see him, and I just kept going on.

I thought maybe if I'm dying, maybe that was my last thought that I'm gonna have, probably.

I don't know what I was saying.

I didn't know even why I said all that.

'Cause in my mind, it's always my dad protecting me, I guess.

And then, um...

He just said to me, once he's finished, he just said to me, "Go."

-Did you know what had happened to you?

-I didn't know.

I was confused as to what -- I think I knew I was raped.

But I didn't know then what next?

You know, am I -- Will I get pregnant?

Will I -- Have I lost my virginity?

Have I, um, you know -- What will everyone think?

'Cause this is a massive thing.

Um...

I didn't worry about how I'm going to cope with it.

I was just thinking about these logistical things.

And then at the police station, I gave a description, which... was very similar to my stepfather and very similar to another family member who was some distant uncle.

They were very similar, the two of them.

And... Yeah, and I was scared.

My mom cried.

She was just crying.

But later on, when I asked her why she didn't do anything about it, her reaction was, It was for my good.

You know, it wasn't talked about.

It was for my good.

And it was because it would be a shame if people knew.

-What's that song Nana used to sing?

-♪ I beg your pardon ♪ ♪ I never promised you a rose garden ♪ Can't remember the rest.

But I have a rose garden now here.

-♪ When you take, you gotta give ♪ ♪ So live and let live or let go, whoa-whoa-whoa ♪ ♪ I beg your pardon ♪ ♪ I never promised you a rose garden ♪ ♪ I could promise you things like big diamond rings ♪ ♪ But you don't find roses growin' on stalks of clover ♪ ♪ So you better think it over ♪ ♪ So smile for a while and let's be jolly ♪ ♪ Love shouldn't be so melancholy ♪ ♪ Come along and share the good times ♪ ♪ While we can ♪ -Hi.

-Hello.

What are you thinking?

You're not thinking?

I'm just a darker version.

-Yes.

[ Birds chirping ] -It only occurred to me recently that we've never said "I love you" to each other.

I've never doubted it.

I guess the words don't seem to come naturally to either of us.

I think I'm falling in love now.

It's the most amazing and excruciating thing that I've ever felt.

Sometimes I think that that's what it must feel like to be a mother.

[ Laughs ] Don't you think?

No, I can't help it.

I live in my mind.

-Yeah.

But then will you ever be excited?

-You know?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-[ Laughs ] Do you remember feeling like this?

Mm.

-This is it!

-Bye-bye.

-Bye-bye!

-Bye.

Bye.

I'm happy for you.

So enjoy yourself.

I'm going to miss you.

-When everyone's gone, living in this house alone, I get a bit, uh... "What do I do now?"

[ Chuckles ] And the nights I'm scared.

'Cause I'm always thinking someone's gonna break in.

Yeah, I'm scared.

So that's why when Geoff goes, I try and get someone, or I go somewhere.

'Cause then you can't sleep.

That's what happened to me the previous night, even though I felt very secure just staying alone.

So I try to stay awake.

Then I know no one is there.

Keep the TV on, and I'll keep the lights on, and then sleep.

-Do you think, I mean, these are the things -- Some things I don't think Nana understands, like, how... -How it's impacted us.

Every night, I used to wake up, and every night I would see,-- Like, I'm sleeping here, the ceiling broken, and a rope, and two or three men coming down.

And I used to scream, 'cause I was scared that someone was gonna come and take me.

Every night.

She didn't do anything about it.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -That time I made you cry...

...I think it's because you didn't let me go for a sleepover.

You never let me go for sleepovers.

I understand now why, but... ...growing up, I felt caged.

♪♪ ♪♪ I think when I left home... ♪♪ ...I'm not sure I really knew what kind of world I was going into.

♪♪ [ Clippers buzzing ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -♪ "For the nine months I carried you ♪ ♪ Growing you inside me ♪ ♪ No charge ♪ ♪ For the nights I've sat up with you ♪ ♪ Doctored you, prayed for you ♪ ♪ No charge ♪ ♪ For the toys, food, and clothes ♪ ♪ And for wiping your nose ♪ ♪ There's no charge ♪ ♪ When you add it all up ♪ ♪ The full cost of my love ♪ ♪ Is no charge ♪ -Aww!

[ Chuckles ] What did she say?

I mean, I heard you call him a pedophile.

-She doesn't respond to those 'cause then she changes the topic to something else.

-Really?

So she doesn't deny it.

-No, she doesn't deny it.

No, no, no, in her letter, it was in black and white.

You saw the letter.

Where's the letter?

-I've still got it.

-[ Sighs ] I just want her to understand that this is very serious, and we care about her, and we want to give her a better life.

That's it.

It's...

I think she's more concerned about other people than even her children.

What other people are gonna think about -- What his family is gonna think... ...about her leaving him.

And she wants to do the decent thing.

I said, "Has he done anything decent?"

"Has he done the decent thing?"

-Why did you decide to stop talking to her before?

-It's for this very reason, because I just couldn't take it.

It was very difficult to...

It comes to a point where you think, "Enough is enough.

Why don't you understand?"

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -I often think about your dad.

I feel like he's been the one guiding me all along.

♪♪ Pulling me back here.

♪♪ ♪♪ What was it to be in love with him?

And did you fall in love with your husband now?

Why him then?

And... was he good to you?

-Huh?

-Was he good to you?

Why has Mom never let me meet him?

But it wasn't just -- it wasn't just her.

Why did he go to prison?

That doesn't change what he did.

-He's abused so many children, and it could've been me as well.

I had nightmares for many months.

I-I was sleepwalking.

And I, one day -- She had hid the key because I was sleepwalking quite a lot after that incident.

I found the key, I don't know how I found the key, and I was going out the front door to go and visit my dad's grave.

'Cause I thought he was the only one there for me.

-I used to love watching this.

Seeing how radiant you are.

[ Organ music plays ] But now, all I can see is him.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Tammy Wynette's "Stand by Your Man" plays ] ♪♪ -♪ Sometimes it's hard to be a woman ♪ ♪ Giving all your love to just one man ♪ ♪ You'll have bad times ♪ ♪ And he'll have good times ♪ ♪ Doin' things that you don't understand ♪ ♪ But if you love him you'll forgive him ♪ ♪ Even though he's hard to understand ♪ ♪ And if you love him ♪ ♪ Oh, be proud of him ♪ ♪ 'Cause, after all, he's just a man ♪ -Why do you think I'm like this?

-Well, I think you're trying to-- I think it's -- It's difficult when you come from generations of... ...people who are different.

I'm gonna put this on.

[ Hair dryer whirring ] [ Indistinct ] -Mum...

...I've been trying to... talk to you about something.

I was 15 and enjoying some rare freedom.

I remember smiling at some guy, and he smiled back, and I -- I liked the attention.

After that, it all becomes a big blur.

The next thing I can really remember is appearing... in... the bathtub at the hotel I was staying at... ...with a lot of pain.

And...

I decided to erase what little memory I had of that day.

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry for not telling you sooner.

I know you dedicated your life to protecting me.

And I didn't want you to think that you'd failed.

But I think we're both ready now.

[ No audio ] [ No audio ] [ No audio ] Now, I think I understand why, when you stopped speaking to Nana, she decided to write you a letter.

Before I read it, it could be anything that I wanted.

I imagined a world where I discovered the secret to fixing your relationship, a world where we were actually happy.

[ Clears throat ] "To Rozana, my life story.

... to get my son and daughter and show the house... Ivor married me.

We lived here.

Things were good for a little while.

Then the problems started.

It was a lot of unhappiness.

Ivor was drinking, and my daughter had grown up by then and didn't like the way he behaved.

I didn't blame her."

[ Sighs deeply ] "It was just the same old stories.

There was no love coming out of me.

Just at home, waiting to go to bed, not with love, but duty."

[ Exhales ] [ Voice breaking ] "Once again, my life was hell.

I hope my daughter will understand.

I never wanted anyone to hurt her.

I didn't want her to suffer like me.

I wanted her to have a good life.

I did what I could in that situation.

Maybe I have made mistakes along the way.

Maybe I wanted my last marriage to work, as we were growing older.

I wrote this letter explaining why I took these decisions at the time.

I would've missed a few things of what happened.

Please ask me, because my story is an open book.

Some hide their stories.

Please trust me, and believe everything I have written.

Please understand.

Please don't worry me anymore.

It's okay, you can disown me."

[ Sniffles ] [ Crying ] "Sometimes I think it's better to be... in home and not seen by anyone."

[ Sniffles ] [ Sobs ] [ Train tracks rattle ] -♪ Wise men say ♪ ♪ Only fools rush in ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ But I can't help ♪ ♪ Falling in love with you ♪ ♪ Shall I stay?

♪ ♪ Would it be a sin ♪ ♪ If I can't help ♪ ♪ Falling in love with you?

♪ ♪ Like a river flows ♪ ♪ Surely to the sea ♪ ♪ Darling, so it goes ♪ ♪ Some things are meant to be ♪ -What would you feel like if she wanted to come again for another six months on holiday?

-Not on holiday, no.

It's not gonna happen.

I'm not gonna waste my time and my money.

It's going to be the same emotional roller coaster.

Then I have to be nice to her, because I can't -- She's in your home, and she's here.

We have to take care of her.

And emotionally, you're drained at the end.

No, not on holiday.

Not again.

This time it has to be for good, or not at all.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Do you believe in unconditional love?

♪♪ Maybe you see it more as duty.

♪♪ You always say that family comes before anything... ...and to love family, you must be selfless.

♪♪ ♪♪ I wonder if it's always come so naturally to you.

Your instinct to sacrifice yourself to love.

♪♪ There is this strange longing, coming from within me, telling me to pour all of my love into a child.

♪♪ But I'm terrified.

[ Tiles crashing ] Loving someone doesn't mean you can't hurt them.

♪♪ -She said to me, "No, I choose you guys."

I said, "Then show it."

'Cause actions speak louder than words.

You have to show it, and it's time up.

-And not just now.

-Yeah, exactly.

It's led to all of this.

She's done exactly the same.

And she's chosen that life, so there's nothing we can do.

-What are you thinking when you do this?

-Absolutely nothing.

Nothing, nothing.

It's very therapeutic.

It's like when you're doing meditation.

This is my kind of meditation.

I can just think about... threading it, how to get these tiny little things into the needle.

See?

I don't have time to think about anything else.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -I know you wish your dad could be here to walk you down the aisle.

But I have always felt his spirit in me.

We'll walk with you together.

♪♪ ♪♪ I had told myself that if you ever gave up on Nana, I would continue for you.

♪♪ But I think that... that feeling has slowly disappeared.

You are happy.

It's good.

How does it feel to be married again?

-Exciting.

Very exciting and very different... to the first time, of course.

The first time was like getting away from everything.

This time is actually, you know, being together, I guess.

Actually being together and... [ Chuckles ] ...knowing that you want to be with that person, isn't it?

[ Laughs ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -What do you think changed?

[ Waves crashing ] [ Crashing continues ] [ Virginia Lee's "I Love You Because You Understand Me" plays ] ♪♪ -♪ I love you because you understand, dear ♪ ♪ Every single thing I try to do ♪ ♪ You're always there to lend a helping hand, dear ♪ ♪ I love you most of all because you're you ♪ ♪ I love you most of all because you're you ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪