What's happening, Audrey?

What's the Naval Commander said?

Nothing, because I'm a girl and he doesn't see the point of me.

But I'm sensing they're really worried the bad weather might be moving the wreck about even more.

-Okay, keep me informed.

-Fraser?

[Fraser] Yeah?

I just want you to know that I will never forgive you for sending me out here.

[Fraser] Bring it up at your next appraisal.

[laughs] I'll be bringing up my breakfast into the North Sea first.

[Fraser chuckles] Okay, take care.

[emergency tanoy] We are evacuating this town as a precaution.

Please report to one of our information points.

[siren blares] We are evacuating this town as a precaution.

Please report to one of our information points.

Okay, so our problem remains the elderly who insist on staying in their homes because the wreck hasn't blown up for 50 years etcetera, etcetera.

Someone should remind them Leicester City didn't win the league until 2016...

The Prime Minister wishes me to thank you for your efforts in evacuating the town.

I'd like to think that everybody but the most hard-line refusniks will be out of here by the evening.

And when we have received the proper analysis from the Naval team then we can plan the next steps.

Thank you.

[naval officer] Bailout tested and clear.

We've got 2-8-0 in the bailout, requesting mains.

Copy that.

2-8-0 in the bailout.

Bailout checked and complete.

Ready for mains.

[comms beeps] [naval officer] Okay, standbys on mains, ready to go.

[knock on door] Hi, madam, good morning.

I'm not sure if you're aware but there's currently an urgent evacuation taking place at the moment, so I'm going to have to ask you to leave the property right now.

[woman] Mum, they're coming round again.

[old woman] Ridiculous.

[bell rings] [monitor beeping] [naval guy] What's that?

No idea.

I'm getting some... [warning siren beeping] it might be another tremor?

[siren blaring] [Mark] Bring him up.

[naval guy] Command to Dive Team Alpha, prepare to surface.

Bring him up.

Bring him up!

Get him up now.

Get him up, get him up!

[naval officer] Command to Dive team Alpha, mission abort.

Surface now.

[distant rumbling] [reporter] These are the scenes from Kent after the significant earth tremor that took place on Tuesday afternoon.

Following inspections of a sunken World War II munitions ship lying just offshore, the government is considering the evacuation of towns along the coast and we understand that the Prime Minister has convened a full COBRA to take place later in the day to discuss the possibility of a mandatory evacuation of the areas most at risk.

That's fracking.

What's fracking?

Causing all the earthquakes.

Problem is Greta, they've stopped fracking... Oh, too little too late.

Thanks, boomers.

Er, Gen X and proud of it actually.

What are you actually proud of?

Oh, I dunno.

Better music, high-status reading habits, and not having all my predictable and socially-conforming views given to me by Twitter mobs.

You still murdered the planet.

[sighs] Put the milk back in the fridge or there will be hate speech.

[Sutherland] He's impressive.

-[Anna] Who is?

-[Sutherland] Joseph.

Big change from Archie.

You have reservations?

I would have told you if I had reservations.

[Sutherland] Well, as a person then...

I don't really have an opinion one way or another.

That's what worries me.

[Anna] He's fine.

We're different which is also fine.

[Sutherland] The party base likes him.

Socially conservative, working class, self-made...

Which is why I agree he's a good appointment because any more defections and we're fucked.

Archie's on maneuvers by the way.

Wants the whip back.

You wouldn't...

I most certainly would if I deemed it necessary.

Look, none of these bastards are my friends, Anna.

It's purely strategic.

[Anna] How's Ellie getting on in Santiago?

Well, the trial took a lot out of her.

She has a new boyfriend.

A Chilean anarchist who sets fire to tube stations.

Take that, neo-liberals.

[footsteps approaching] [Sutherland] Home Secretary.

Congratulations, Joseph.

If you were a drinking man, I would offer you a nip of something.

Thank you, Prime Minister.

For the time being, I am enjoying reading people online announcing that I am no longer a black man.

[laughs] Well, real rebels join the establishment, I guess.

Real rebels follow the truth.

Like Paul.

-Paul?

-Saint Paul.

Oh, yes.

Wasn't so great on women as I recall.

[laughs] Especially short-haired ones.

Yes, he did give the Corinthians some grief on coiffure as I recall.

Paul's most important message was love.

Without love there is nothing and only His love can save us all.

Well, amen to that.

Now that you have been sworn in, you can attend the COBRA we have called on the earthquakes in Kent which starts in, uh... Five minutes ago.

Well it's briefing room J actually but don't tell anyone.

It destroys the mystique.

Good morning, everyone.

Most of you know Joseph Obasi, of course.

This is his first COBRA as Home Secretary, so I'll let him take the chair...

Thank you, Prime Minister.

I believe, Fraser, you will be updating us on the situation in Kent and the sunken munition ship.

The naval teams are down there now.

There was some concern that the hull was damaged by these earth tremors.

Am I correct in thinking that some reports suggest that the long immersion in water will mean that there is nothing to detonate the explosives.

[Fraser] Yes, that is correct.

But there is also speculation that copper azide could be produced which might be sufficient to detonate the munitions.

So do we evacuate?

Huge resistance to that.

So we make it mandatory.

[Fraser] I think that's the only option given the reluctance of the elderly to leave their homes.

Okay, so let's say the tremor has shifted the wreck and damaged the hull significantly.

Let's say it does blow up... -The damage would be enormous.

-How enormous?

Reshaping the Kent coastline enormous.

I'd refer you to the Nova Scotia incident in 1917 where the Mont Blanc explosion took out Halifax at the cost of 2,000 lives.

And as we saw in Beirut, catastrophic damage to buildings and infrastructure and terrible injuries.

We are also very concerned about subsequent flooding.

But it's been so long since the ship went down, and I know you hate it when I say this...

Uh, don't tell me... we just don't really know?

It probably won't blow up.

Why haven't we dealt with this wreck before?

[Fraser] Too hard.

More danger of setting it off by prodding it.

If the earthquake has damaged the hull, then I would say we have to go for mandatory evacuation.

Get things moving immediately.

[audience cheering] [speaking Ukrainian] [drone whirring] [helicopter blades whirring] [coach] Right, lads, at the back, come on, move to the front.

Those tables are set up for tonight.

So don't be messing about on the coach to Chertsey.

Remember you gotta bring ID with the age on it or you won't be allowed to play.

[boy] Oi, sir, what's happening?

Sorry, did I say I had finished, lads?

But, sir, it's the helicopter.

I don't care if it's the International Space Station, sit down and listen while I'm talking or I'll be using you to demonstrate how to do a spear tackle.

Come on, that's it, sit down, sit down!

Alright, we've all seen a helicopter before lads, come on.

Down you get, come on, there we go.

-[boy] Sir... -Lads, get down... lads!

[boys groaning] [boy groaning, grunting] [coughing] Mr. Hadleigh!

Sir?

Mr. Hadleigh!

And speaking of dangerous old wrecks... Ah, Peter, thanks for coming.

What's this about?

Oh, you know.

How's tricks?

What's the story?

[chuckles] -Thought you might want to congratulate me.

-On what?

On holding my seat at the election in spite of everything they threw at me.

Seventeen votes.

[Archie] Made it all the sweeter.

Imagine his face watching that second recount!

He still won.

Which after everything they had been through... [Archie] A majority of nine is a tricky thing.

Especially now the opposition has a grown-up in charge.

-Maybe.

-[Archie] Anyway...

I still haven't had the chance to congratulate you on somehow walking out of court a free man.

I really don't have time for the badinage, Archie.

Debatable because you may be free but you are also unemployable.

-Always a pleasure to see you, Archie-- -Okay, okay!

Let's cut to the chase.

First, they restore the whip.

Then I get a seat in Cabinet.

And I want you to help me.

I know what you're going to say to me, "This is just trolling Robert."

This is just trolling Robert.

[laughing] Well, of course partly, yes, and quite a big part to be fair, but also... say what you like about him but he has an eye for talent.

And what's the price, Mephistopheles?

I think you've just answered your own question.

[Hari] We're gonna start as we always do on the Morbid Symptoms podcast and jump straight in, so Francine Bridge... Why did you do it?

[Francine] Why did I do what?

Join the Tories.

After so many "comrades" ordering me to fuck off and do precisely that, you mean?

And I didn't join the Tories of course, I took a job.

And resigned from it.

Yes.

So we know that Sutherland has that difficult majority of nine.

But, what about his other problems?

The Singer inquiry into the shootings at Junction 23 during the solar storm will report soon.

That's right.

I just hope that it brings justice and some closure for the innocent photographer that was shot.

What was your view of the collapse of the Rachel Sutherland trial?

Well, the jury heard the evidence.

They couldn't reach a verdict... Because posh white mums don't belong in prison?

Well, that depends if they've committed a crime.

How about their drug-dealing daughters?

I think the sentence for Ellie Sutherland was appropriate under the circumstances, but I don't know enough about the case to have an opinion on it.

[laughing] Francine Bridge demonstrating that whatever her other virtues, she has absolutely no understanding of the Zeitgeist.

Uh, okay.

Ask me another one.

Ever kissed a Tory?

[laughs] Oh, please.

So that's where you draw the line?

[laughing] [Sutherland] Oligarch plus helicopter crash normally equals...

Investigations are underway.

What about the teacher?

[Eleanor] A rugby coach whose name was Graham Hadleigh.

Wife and two kids.

He was killed instantly by shrapnel from the crash.

[Anna] His poor children.

[Eleanor] Mikael Kostenko had just attended the varsity match.

Our Ukrainian sources say he was en route to Brazil to sort out a land contract in the Amazon.

Pretty sure Archie's been on his yacht.

[Eleanor] Along with politicians of many different stripes from Tony Blair to Bill Clinton.

That's just one stripe actually.

[Sutherland] If it was sabotage or something like that, then I'm guessing it's not down to the Norwegians.

[Eleanor] Well, it would be easier to list those who didn't have a grudge against him.

He pissed off both the Ukrainian and Russian governments and had several powerful rivals.

He is heavily implicated in recent corruption cases involving both the Israeli Prime Minister and the Brazilian President, with whom he is good friends.

Hmm.

Why was a helicopter taking off from-- The school next door lets VIP helicopters use the land during rugby games to raise funds.

There had apparently been some complaints from parents worried about safety.

You can expect blow-back on that.

School forced to rent out playing fields for oligarch's helicopter equals blood on our hands.

I will keep you informed.

[emergency tanoy] We are evacuating this town as a precaution.

The hull is very corroded.

Any movement is problematic.

-Is it going to blow up?

-[Mark] It's very hard to say.

Okay.

You're evacuating the town, which is sensible.

Leave the ship to us.

[chuckling] [Fraser] I've booked us a B&B outside the evacuation area, down in Margate... Oh, great.

I can pay a visit to Olby's Studio One.

What's that?

The old Dugout.

Mod weekenders... Ah, I didn't know you were a Mod.

I'm not gonna come to work just in a parka, am I?

[both chuckle] [all chattering] [Audrey] What's your thing then?

Outside of planning for national emergencies.

I don't really have any interests.

Just work, work, work.

Weren't you seeing that Francine Bridge?

-Sort of, but it didn't... it didn't really... -It didn't...

I'm not really good with relationships.

My ex-wife called me a slow puncture.

That's not very nice.

She might have a point though.

Well, never mind, not everybody can say that they're top dog when it comes to civil contingencies planning.

[laughing] I mean, I dunno, my default position is usually to support the woman.

Rightly, so probably.

Usually the man's fault.

Yeah.

Not always though.

My dad was one of the softest people you could've ever met.

All he wanted to do was go down the boozer with his mates, listen to The Faces, and watch the Wall.

The what?

No one likes us?

-Millwall Football Club.

-Oh.

He was a school caretaker and he wore the same hat every year at Christmas that lit up for the kids.

But he was also fat and unhealthy so... he died alone in hospital, we couldn't go and see him, say goodbye.

-That's pretty fucked up.

-Yep.

[Hammond player] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, we are Tiny Flaws and our first tune is called Wrong Kind of Blue.

[upbeat music playing] Yeah?

Never underestimate a Mod.

[Anna] Expel a few "diplomats," right?

[Sutherland] That's usually the format.

That man was a volunteer, Anna.

He gave up his free time to coach disadvantaged kids.

I know.

But can we really afford a major diplomatic incident right now when there's all this shit going on around us?

Let's sleep on it.

Discuss it tomorrow.

Sleep.

[sighs] What's that again?

Are you still having trouble with that?

Yes, and please don't tell me... As soon as my head hits the pillow I'm gone!

[Sutherland chuckling] What's happening with Sam?

He's still shacked up with his 16-year-old.

-Sixteen!

-Oh, okay, 36.

Same difference though.

Worse possibly.

Do you think you might be a little bit depressed?

No.

Good.

I think I'm tired, stressed and a bit down in the dumps for reasons I don't really need a shrink to explain.

I just had to ask.

Mental Health is... -No laughing matter?

-It's important.

I don't want you thinking it's all about me and my needs the whole time.

[chuckles] Duty done.

[Hari sighs] You were really close to Anna Marshall though?

I was and I still think she's brilliant...

But... Elite schools, elite university, elite values.

[clicks tongue] Same.

What's wrong with that?

You'll be telling me punctuality and the written word are all part of white privilege next.

Alright, well, I'll tell you what I'll be telling you, thank you very much.

Which is that you have to at least contemplate the idea that yours isn't the only angle of view.

Sure but you have to think it's the best one or you would presumably change it?

Anyway, I didn't belong there.

You don't believe in white privilege?

Just look at a COBRA meeting.

I never said I didn't believe in it... [cellphone ringing] Confirmation that I'm on the Breakfast Show tomorrow.

Discussing the Kostenko case.

You think it was a hit?

Oligarch plus helicopter crash?

[scoffs] Nah, nothing suspicious there.

You better get an early night, then.

Oh, I'm not an early night kind of person really.

I am.

Shame.

[Hari] Have you got my mobile?

Don't think so.

Hold on.

I've got yours, so I'll just ping it over.

Why?

In case you ever want to use it.

[cellphone ringing] Got it.

-Bye.

-Bye.

[cellphone trills] -So... working.

-[Rachel] Mmm.

I didn't know if I'd be able to do my job again.

Yeah, I know.

-Still, work is good.

-[Rachel chuckles] But I've also been thinking about holidays.

-Oh, right-- -You hate them, I know.

But I've been looking at places in the Atacama and I thought maybe we could go and see Ellie.

We'll head up there together.

Stars are meant to be amazing apparently.

No, it would be good.

-To be together as a family.

-[cellphone vibrating] [sighs] Eleanor... [Eleanor] It was a hit.

We're almost certain they used an armored drone to shoot down the helicopter.

It's a complicated situation.

It might be a boat we don't want to rock.

I'll be right down.

Who's this, then?

[Eleanor] This has just come in from our investigation.

Klara Lechkova is a Russian citizen.

She's picked up a couple of times on CCTV walking the tow-path which adjoins the school where the helicopter was due to take off.

Where was the drone controlled from?

She also purchased a scooter, which we believe may have been used to leave the scene afterwards.

And she's vanished off the face of the earth.

Klara is the niece of a member of the Duma with links to the President.

Her uncle is a decorated GRU member and also has close links to separatists operating out of the Donetsk People's Republic.

Who's the sidekick?

Rodrigo Lenin Araya.

Colombian.

His father was a senior commandant of the FARC guerrilla movement murdered by right-wing paramilitaries.

Araya studied at the People's Friendship University in Moscow.

We believe he is an SVR asset.

Well, this is all an enormous relief.

I thought things might get complicated.

Bottom line: It was a Russian hit.

They couldn't get close to Kostenko so they used a drone.

And killed an innocent man.

I don't think that was part of the plan.

So I assume they're out of the country?

Well, you assume wrong.

They sprayed out a bunch of decoys first to see if we tried to pick them up.

They are at a safe house still.

We can arrest them?

[Eleanor] Oh, we can.

Question is... Do we want to?

A nice dilemma for a new Home Secretary.

Okay, perfect.

It is about two hours wait, I'm afraid.

But you will be on the next bus.

Have you had breakfast?

No?

Help yourself to breakfast, sit wherever you like.

Can you make sure that first bus is gone by 12:00?

Good morning.

Now look, I wasn't expecting Egyptian cotton or anything but those sheets were like sandpaper.

Some nice tinned tomatoes and bacon fat for breakfast, though.

[Audrey chuckling] Are you sure you want to come out with us?

It's pretty choppy out there.

It's me coming out.

I know.

Why are you looking at him, then?

Okay, if you insist, I'll see you down there.

He reminds me of an Action Man I used to have.

-You had an Action Man?

-I had about six.

You don't have to go out if you don't want to, you know?

I don't want to.

-Okay... -But I do have to.

Otherwise, I'll sit around thinking of how I should have gone and I'll just drive myself mad.

You might even enjoy it.

Okay.

[MI5 operative over radio] Okay, targets are on the move.

Leaving early morning with little traffic.

Easier to spot a trail.

[Joseph] What's happening?

They're moving.

We think it's Stansted, though.

So what are we going to do?

If we let them go, everything will be a lot easier.

Impunity often is.

There could be consequences that go beyond diplomatic exchanges.

I know that.

But if we just let them go, they will know that, too, and that will also have consequences down the line.

Okay, then.

It's your call.

Yes, it is.

Okay.

And over.

So there was another earth tremor last night.

Yeah.

[Audrey] Any idea of the impact... That's what we're going out to take a look at.

-Okay but-- -Sorry and no offense, but I'm not entirely sure what the point of you is.

-What the point of me is?

-I meant being here.

Why don't you guys just do your job and let me do mine, yeah?

[chuckles] No, fair play, it's a question I do ask myself from time to time.

Okay, well, the point of me right now is I am the eyes and ears of the Civil Contingencies Secretariat.

Now that may not mean much to you, Captain Pugwash, but it makes me the eyes and ears of Number 10 Downing Street, and hence, the British Prime Minister.

So if you've got a problem, then I suggest you take it up directly with him.

[MI5 operative over radio] Suspects are through security, Terminal 1.

Okay.

Keep eyes on.

Do you want to put Lightfingers into play?

[Anna] What's Lightfingers?

[Eleanor] A world of pain for very little reward.

-What?

-[Eleanor] There's still time to abort the mission.

-And it won't bring Graham Hadleigh back.

-[Sutherland] No, no.

You don't get to kill an innocent British citizen and then just waltz off home with a new handbag and a bottle of Johnnie Walker.

Take the bastards in.

Do what he says.

-Again.

What's Lightfingers?

-Watch.

[store security guard] Excuse me, Madam.

Would you mind stepping back into the store for a moment, please?

Yes, I would mind.

They've called my flight, I haven't done anything.

[security guard] If you could just show me the receipt for the item in your bag.

[Klara] There is no item in my bag.

[Araya] What's going on?

[speaking Spanish] -[MI5 operative over radio] Target on the move... -[Klara screaming] Oi!

You!

Stop!

Out the way!

Move.

Move to the side!

[police officer] Stop!

Armed Police!

Show me your hands!

Get down on the floor!

-[people screaming] -I am Rodrigo Araya.

I am a Colombian human rights activist.

They are trying to make me disappear.

I am a human rights activist!

A human rights activist.

[MI5 operative] Target in custody.

All officers stand down.

Pull their files for me.

So what now?

[Eleanor] Now we charge her with shoplifting and him with resisting arrest.

-But those are minor... -[Eleanor] We remand them in custody on the basis that they are suspected of other unspecified crimes and-or the possible commission of future crimes.

And we... what, we just wait now?

Yep.

Well, we've chosen to prod the snake.

Now let's see if it bites or just rattles a bit.

Update me in an hour.

[emergency tanoy] Please report to one of our information points.

Jesus.

You all need to make your way to the buses, now.

The evacuation is mandatory.

[monitor beeping] [naval guy] What's that?

No idea.

I'm getting some... [warning siren beeping, blaring] It might be another tremor?

What the hell is going on down there?

That's not a tremor.

Bring him up.

[naval guy] Command to Dive Team Alpha, prepare to surface.

Bring him up!

Bring him up!

[distant rumbling] -Run, now!

Get to higher ground!

-[people clamoring] [all screaming] Come on!

Go!

Go!

Go!

[panting] [people continue clamoring] [screeching] -[tires screech] -[people scream] [grunting] First reports suggest heavy casualties among emergency teams.

-Have you heard from Fraser?

-[Anna] No, we can't reach him.

He was down there with his entire team.

There are mass casualties on the seafront.

Glass, scalding water, collapsed masonry.

Have we got a live link yet?

There have been problems connecting to the feed.

We need to get that link up.

Will someone please tell me what's going on with our communication system?

[helicopter whirring] [pilot] SRT to Control, we seem to be experiencing comms malfunction.

SRT to Control, are you receiving?

This is SRT, come in, Control.

[gasping] [grunting] [gasping] [continues gasping] [metal groaning] [distant rumbling] GCHQ are reporting a massive cyber-attack.

It's taken out ECON.

The new Emergency Services comms Network.

It means they can't talk to each other or send us live links.

You know what this is, don't you?

This is their bloody answer to the arrests.

No, we can't have this.

Not now.

Not in the middle of a natural disaster.

There's a message embedded in the malware they've used to crash the system.

-What kind of message?

-[Eleanor] Ruin Brittania.

[all murmuring] [Eleanor] National Cyber Defense have seen nothing like this before.

Is it Russian?

They have no idea.

The signature coding is like nothing we've seen before.

Is it connected to the assassination?

Who's behind this?

Honestly, we don't have any information... Then find out and bring me some fucking answers!

[closing theme music playing]